Paradise
by SuddenlySandi
Summary: Bella meets a man at a health retreat who wants to help her find the most out of the program. She is not interested and gets herself into big problems with all her lies. All Human
1. Chapter 1 thru 3

**All twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

"My name is Bella Swan and I am a habitual liar." I tried the words on for size and cringed at the sound. It wasn't like I tried to deceive people; I just answered before I thought about the question and went with the first thing out of my mouth. I was only thinking about it now because of Rosalie.

She was one of my best friends and had a horrible habit of marrying old men, not older men, but old men. She was widowed twice now, but also extremely rich. She had signed us up for a personal retreat where we would be perfected, mind, body and soul. This had disaster written all over it.

Alice was our other friend, making us the three amigos. Alice was…less than bright. I wouldn't call her outright stupid, because she had a great sense of style and fashion, but common sense was not her forte.

We were headed to an island resort where we would have our own bungalow and all the fun in the sun we wanted. I'm sure the place would be filled with weirdoes, but it was a free trip, so what the heck.

My phone rang and I picked it up as I held a bikini up to my body. "Hi Rose," I answered.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Making dinner," I lied, having no idea why I chose to lie at that particular moment.

"Don't eat, we have to look beach ready," she said to motivate me.

"I'll throw it up," I promised, and she was good with the plan.

"Alice said she isn't going unless she can have a boob job first," Rose said in a panic.

"If she gets bigger boobs she'll tip over," I said in frustration.

"She said hers are too saggy," Rose explained.

"Oh, yeah, they are," I said, to take a dig at Alice's perfect body. If anyone needed breast enhancement it was me, and I'm not lying.

"Don't tell her that," Rose screamed.

"I didn't, I'm telling you. You should know, it isn't like you haven't seen your fair share of sagging in your life, what with your dearly departed husbands and all."

"Bella, I'm paying for this trip," she said, to remind me I could be easily left behind. It didn't change my attitude because I had no desire to improve my mind, body and soul. I liked myself! Okay, that's a lie but I didn't mind myself a lot of the time.

"I'll talk to Alice," I promised, and then hung up the phone. I continued packing way too many clothes and left the tags on so I could return what I didn't use. It was close to midnight when I finally picked up the phone to call Alice.

It rang three times before she picked up without saying hello. "I'm not going," she said adamantly.

"Either am I," I replied.

She hesitated and then said, "Why?"

"I just found out it is a woman's only retreat. Men won't even be there."

"Bella, are you lying?" she asked outright.

"I never lie about the possibility of having sex," I lied.

"If men won't be there than I'm going," Alice said cheerfully. "I ate a candy bar today and now I don't even care."

Alice was the size of a petite model with worms. The only problem with her eating a candy bar would be the possibility of strangers being able to see her intestines digesting it. She didn't have to worry about weight, but for some reason she always did.

"Okay, if you're going I guess I'll go," I said and smiled at how easily she was played.

I finished with my packing and climbed into bed, only to have to wake up four hours later. Rose picked me up in a limo and we headed over to Alice's apartment. She was already waiting on the sidewalk and had just as much luggage as I did. I handed her a mimosa as she entered the limo, I figured if I got her drunk she would forget about the women's only resort.

We traveled in a private plane and the first thing I did was put the seat into a full recline and went to sleep. I was out cold for most of the flight and only woke up to use the bathroom. I leaned against the sink and squinted at the bright light over the mirror. It was then I saw what Alice did for revenge. I had bright red lipstick circling my mouth like a clown.

I flew out of the bathroom without zipping up my jeans and yelled for Alice. "This is not funny," I said angrily.

"You lied to me for the last time, Bella Swan," Alice said back, and Rose laughed.

"Yeah, it really is kind of funny," Rose pointed out.

I crossed my arms as I seethed and finally let loose with my revenge. "Yeah, well, your boobs are saggy," I announced.

Alice's eyes grew wide and she looked at her chest before bursting into tears. Rose glared and me and put her arm around Alice. "You have great boobs," she said, "And you know Bella lies."

I turned and marched back into the bathroom and began trying to scrub the clown smile off my face with harsh soap. I only managed to make my face raw. I came back to my seat when the pilot announced we would be landing soon. I looked out at the darkness of the ocean and couldn't see anything that looked remotely like land.

"We're crash landing into the ocean," I said.

"Shut up," both Alice and Rose yelled in unison.

"I'm just saying there isn't any land down there, and I would hate for Alice's saggy boobs to weigh her down if we have to swim for it."

"You look like Mick Jagger," Alice said, referring to my red stained mouth.

We all laughed and then tensed as we felt the landing gear lower. I closed my eyes tightly and waited for the ocean water to come crashing in on us. But we touched solid ground and pulled to a slow stop. I opened my eyes to see Alice and Rosalie doing the same.

"We made it," I smiled.

"There better be a car waiting," Rose said and looked out the window.

The door opened and we walked down the small flight of stairs to the waiting jeep. Rosalie was upset it wasn't something more upscale, but I was grateful for any form of transportation. The island was dark and the humidity was stifling. I wanted out of my jeans as quickly as possible.

After a short ride we pulled up to a beautiful resort tucked into the jungle. A waterfall fell from the side of the building and exotic flowers were everywhere. A young man opened the vehicle door and said with a Brazilian accent, "Welcome to Paradise."

I was a bit disappointed Tattoo wasn't standing there pointing and saying, "De Plane, De Plane."

We climbed into a golf cart and were taken to our bungalow. I expected something similar to the huts on Gilligan's Island, but our little bungalow was bigger than my entire condo at home. It was amazing and I had the desire to stay forever.

"Your things will be delivered here and you are free to follow me to the greeting room for refreshment if you like," the man said with a smile as he handed us a key to our own golf cart.

We were all starving and quickly climbed into the cart to follow him. I drove, since Rose was used to being driven, and Alice would most likely drive off the side of a cliff. We could hear music coming from a lighted cabana and smelled the wonderful scent of food.

"Let's eat fast and get back to the room to change," I said as I felt my jeans beginning to rub as they stuck to my legs.

I grabbed a plate and began loading it up with fresh fruit and huge shrimp. I picked up a glass of something tropical to drink and made my way to a small free table. I almost ran into a man who was talking to the people at the table next to the one I wanted.

"I'm sorry," he said, and held onto my arms to steady me. I didn't care about my body falling; I just wanted to protect the food I was carrying.

"Yeah, well, watch it or I may eat you," I said, and then quickly got embarrassed.

He laughed and said quite loudly, "I believe you; I can still see the evidence of your last cannibalistic meal."

It had been a while since I had been with Jake in any way intimately. I had no idea what evidence this guy was talking about and wondered if he was the island psychic.

"We're breaking up soon," I said to explain, and wiped my mouth harshly.

I finally looked at the man I was talking to. He had a confused look on his face, but it did nothing to hide his gorgeousness. He was tall and thin with long, wild hair. He kept running his hand through his locks to keep the hair from his eyes, which were a strange grey color.

I lost control of my ability to think and was thankful I didn't lose control of my bladder. I began talking without a clue of what I was saying. I could see his face growing more and more confused, but I couldn't connect my brain to my mouth. He finally nodded and backed away.

Alice sat down and asked, "Who was that?"

"What was I saying?" I begged, and prayed she would learn from my example and lie to me.

"You told him you piloted the plane here and landed in the ocean," she laughed.

"Oh my God," I said and lost my appetite. "No wonder he was looking at me like I was insane."

"I think it is the red clown's mouth that gave him that impression," she said, as she put some fruit into her tiny mouth.

I had forgotten all about the lip stain and neither Alice nor Rose felt the need to remind me. I had no idea why they were my best friends and planned to get new ones as soon as I got back to Seattle.

I downed my drink quickly and walked with my hand over my mouth for another one. I figured if I drank enough I wouldn't care about the gorgeous man who thought I was psychotic. Alice drove the golf cart back to our bungalow since I no longer cared if she drove off a cliff. I jumped right into the shower and stayed there until all traces of Alice's joke were removed.

I came out of the bathroom with a tiny see through robe and my hair wrapped in a towel to see the room attendant standing in the middle of the room. I tried to cover myself, but at this point I had little self respect left.

He handed me a packet with our schedule and then left with a big smile. "You can see your tits," Rose informed me.

"Yeah, I know. It was my way of welcoming him to paradise too," I said with a shrug.

"Sorry, Bells," Rose informed me, "Your chest is more like a budget motel."

Alice began to laugh and I spun around and headed into my own room. I was determined to find new friends as soon as I could. I set the packet on the nightstand without opening it. I had no idea what time we had to be up and decided to let the morning sun awaken me.

The room was stuffy so I opened the glass door and let the breeze blow through. The white gossamer drapes blew with the cool wind so I took off my robe and crawled onto the bed naked. I could smell the scent of gardenias and planned on finding one for my hair the next morning. I fell asleep without a care in the world, excited for tomorrow to come.

2

It was Alice who woke me when she jumped up and down on my bed. I was laying spread eagle on the bed with all my mother lands showing. I sat up and rubbed my eyes harshly. "What time is it?" I asked.

"Time for breakfast," she said, making my stomach growl. "Let's go before fat people eat all the food."

I rolled off of the bed and pulled on a pair of cut off sweats and a tank top. I put my hair in a messy ponytail and shuffled grumpily to the golf cart. Rose had on a tiny dress that barely covered her ample ass, and Alice had on a one piece jumper, looking like a child.

We entered the large cabana where we had eaten the night before to find everyone dressed in white scrubs, sitting on small mats. A gorgeous man with blonde curls and sky blue eyes turned to look at us. "Obviously you didn't read your packet," he said with a smile trying to break onto his face.

"Is this a commune?" I asked, because I did not sign up for some religious cult.

"It is meditation hour," he said. "I'm master Jasper."

"What's a master Jasper?" Alice asked in confusion.

He looked at her with wide eyes and then explained. "My name is Jasper and I am a master of meditation techniques."

She giggled and held out her hand. "I'm Alice, and I'm the queen of shopping."

I wasn't about to sit for an hour and think about my life. I usually tried not to think about my life, so I quickly lied to get out of it. "I'm a master of meditation too, from the University of Washington. So, I'll just skip this part. Where's the food?"

"Breakfast is after meditation, and I'm afraid it is required," he said directly to me.

I took a step closer to him and spoke softly, "Look, my friend here just lost her husband and if she thinks about it she'll cry, and when she cries she gets gas. You can't expect me to allow her to six cross-legged and be humiliated in her time of mourning."

"We'll place her in the back of the room," he whispered back, and then pointed toward some free mats like a teacher scolding difficult students.

We walked past all the people with their eyes closed and sat on the mats in the back of the room. Rose sat with her legs to the side since she had on a dress, and Alice had to keep readjusting her jumper which was cutting her in half. I sat with my legs crossed and placed my fingers on my knees as I began to hum.

I felt someone tap me on the shoulder and looked up to see Jasper looking at me. "Please don't hum," he instructed.

"I wasn't," I lied and gave him a disgusted look.

We sat there until my legs went numb and he finally announced we could follow him to breakfast. I stood with my back hunched over and my legs bowing as I hobbled into the next room. I was going to load up on eggs and bacon but I was handed a bowl of mush.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Whole grain wheat," a tiny Brazilian woman answered me.

I spun around to look at Rose accusingly. "I'm not eating snot for three weeks."

"It's healthy," she said, trying to be a trooper. Alice quickly took a bite and then spit it back into the bowl.

"Bella's right, this is snot."

Rose reached out and picked up a pinch of brown sugar and added a bit of skim milk before trying it herself. I wasn't as tactful; I poured an entire cup of brown sugar on the mush and stirred it up. Just before I put a spoonful in my mouth a large man with huge muscles grabbed my spoon and took it away from me.

"Do you know what that would do to your blood sugar? You might as well eat a spoonful of poison," he said loudly.

"Great, get me a spoonful of poison," I said angrily. I would gratefully take it at this moment to get out of this torture. I thought I was coming to a day spa where I would give orders, not take them.

"It is my job to get you in the best health of your life, so you'll only use the best food as fuel," he informed me and I felt tears in my eyes.

"I have a medical condition that makes it necessary to ingest huge amounts of M&M's. If I die, I'll sue you," I threatened.

"I've heard it all, but that may be the biggest load of crap I've ever heard," he laughed.

"It isn't that bad," Rosalie said, as she took a second bite. It took the big guys attention, since Rose is pretty much a Greek goddess.

I used her interruption to stick my fingers in the slop and shove it into my mouth. All I could taste was the brown sugar so I took another bite. I was almost finished with it when he turned his attention back to me. "Oh God, you'll have a sugar crash in about two hours," he complained.

"Good, I'll lie on a chaise and rest by the ocean," I planned.

"No, you'll be in the middle of your morning workout or your therapy session," he said back.

"Therapy," I gasped. I wasn't about to go into therapy. Therapist kept track of your lies and there was no way I could keep my stories straight. This trip was turning into a nightmare and I was growing angry at Rosalie.

When she suggested we go back to the room to change I was all for it. I thought we were going to pack and make a run for it. I was stunned when she began changing out of her dress. "Wait," I cried. "Are we staying?"

"I pre paid, Bella," Rose yelled, as she pulled on the white guru outfit.

"I'll pay you back," I lied; there was no way I could afford to pay her back on my salary.

"Master Jasper is so hot," Alice blurted out, making me want to smack her with the bedside Bible.

"I like Emmett," Rose said with a laugh.

"Who in the hell is Emmett?" I asked, feeling like I had fallen down the rabbit hole. I couldn't remember seeing an old man anywhere around the resort.

"The fitness guy," she explained, but I just shook my head in further confusion.

If they wanted to play this game they could, I was doing my own thing and therapy was not my thing. I put on my bikini and headed toward the beach. I found an isolated place and put down my towel. I was resting comfortably when I heard footsteps walking toward me. I turned my head and looked at the side of me to see bare legs standing next to me.

I looked up the long legs and saw the man from last night. He had his hands on his hips and was staring at me with reproach. I groaned and shut my eyes again. "Tell your boss I'm lost."

"Okay," he replied to shock me.

I shaded my eyes and looked up at him again. "That's it? You'll lie for me?"

He shrugged and asked, "Why are you hiding?"

"I was brought here under false pretences. I thought it was a club med, not a guru, hippie place."

"Have you been to club med?" he asked.

"Yes," I lied, "They're the best, so much drinking and partying."

"Aren't vacations supposed to be relaxing?" he chuckled.

"Well, this place is dead. I'm not dead yet, so I'm not taking part in the crap sessions they have here," I said full of attitude. I had gone back to my resting position and he sat next to me as I continued my pontificating.

"I have no idea how three weeks is supposed to change your life forever, unless you can learn a new way to masturbate or tricks for playing poker."

"Why did you come here?" he asked.

"My friend is mourning the death of her husband and needs to find another one," I chuckled. "I had no idea the place was a frickin commune."

"So you came to help her find a husband?" he asked.

"No, I came to party while she looked, don't you listen?" I said and finally looked over at him. "Why did you come?"

"I was invited here by a very wealthy member of my congregation," he said.

I sat up and looked to see if he was lying, although I would have no way of telling. "You're a minister, or a preacher or something?"

"Yes, and a clinical therapist," he said with a shy smile.

"Are you shitting me?" I yelled without thinking. "I mean, are you shrinking me right now?"

He laughed loudly and ran his fingers through his hair again before saying, "You're assigned to my group. I'm on staff here now."

I jumped up and gathered my things in anger. "Oh no you don't….Sir, or Father, or whatever you are."

"Call me Edward," he offered.

"I'm not calling you shit," I said and then stamped my foot as I tried to control my mouth. "I'm not here to be psyched. I came to get some sun, to get my drink on, and to find a bit of disease free booty. So leave me alone and let me do my thing."

He stood and looked at me with his hands in the pockets of his guru pants. "You just told me everything I needed to know about you. You are insecure, don't feel like you deserve a real relationship, and most likely come from a broken home so you don't believe in lasting love."

My mouth fell open in shock. I believed in lasting love, I had a lasting love, if you counted Jake. He wasn't the kind of man you keep forever, but he would last as long as I needed him to last. Oh hell, he was cheating on me constantly and I just ignored it.

"You don't have a clue who I am," I lied.

"You are Bella Swan, a middle school teacher from Seattle who needs to eat better, drink less, and get in touch with her inner strength," he said, as if reading from a list.

I laughed nervously and wanted desperately to do something to shock him. I wanted to show him he wasn't the great mind reader he was pretending to be. He only saw me twice in his life, once with a red stained face, and once with a little bikini.

I finally did something without thinking it through. I pulled up my swimsuit top and flashed the man of white cotton cloth my breast. It would have been much more shocking if I had Rose's breasts or even Alice's saggy breasts. Mine were similar to a man with too much estrogen in his system, but it was a boob none the less.

I stomped off, leaving him there to repent, or wash his eyes with holy water. I passed a group of guests doing some weird slow motion martial arts on the lawn and another group doing yoga under a pagoda. I needed a plan to get myself out of this predicament and came up with a foolproof plan.

I stepped off the sidewalk and fell to the ground as I cried out in pain. I pulled up my leg and forced myself to cry as I rolled back and forth. "I broke my ankle," I cried loudly and heard footsteps running toward me.

I was placed on a stretcher and rushed to a first aid station where a tall blonde man looked at my leg. "My name is Carlisle, I'm the island doctor," he informed me. "I don't think it is broken."

"How do you know," I asked as I continued my act.

"It isn't swelling at all. Just take it easy today and I'll check it again tomorrow," he instructed.

I nodded and wiped my eyes in agreement as I planned to whack my ankle with a stick this evening. Carlisle gave me something for pain and then called for someone to help me back to my hut.

It was the big muscle guy, who grinned at me as I glared at him. "Come on, we'll end up being friends," he said, and put his arm around my waist as I held onto his shoulder. "I'm Emmett."

A smile grew on my face and I finally had a great plan that would guarantee I wouldn't have to do anything at this place. "Emmett, you're right, we are going to be great friends, because I'm going to make your biggest wish come true."

3

I had always wondered if Rose actually liked the old men or just their money, but since she was all hot over muscle man here, I figured it was just the money she was attracted to. Since she had more than she needed I would make sure she got this big dumb guy to play with and guarantee me some peace.

"Do you know Rosalie, the blonde who is with me?" I asked him, as he helped me walk.

"The voluptuous one?" he asked, which basically meant huge hooters.

"Yeah, her," I groaned. "She has a thing for you."

"What thing?" he asked. Oh God, he was the mental equivalent of Alice.

"Her thing," I explained. "She would like her thing to meet your thing."

"We're not allowed to have sex with the guest," he said and I could see the pain it was causing him to admit that to me.

"Is that a hard and fast rule, or more of a suggestion?" I asked and he smiled.

"I would be fired," he said.

Dang it, this was turning into my greatest fear. I was stuck on an island where celibacy ruled. If we became stranded here it would be the end of our civilization, because the cute men wouldn't procreate.

I gave up the pretense and stood in front of Emmett. "Look, I don't want to be here. I don't want to participate in anything, and I don't want to eat healthy food. If you want to sneak a poke with my roommate, as I sneak some sugar, I won't tell."

"Did you lie about your ankle?" he asked, as he looked down at my perfectly working legs.

"It is what I do," I admitted truthfully. I walked on my own two feet back to my room and sat on the sofa to pout. I was still there when Rose and Alice returned from their workout and session.

They were both giggling and talking about things they learned about themselves, as if they had just recently met themselves. "Bella, you missed a great session," Rose said.

"I was busy setting you up with Emmett," I said and she spun around to look at my eyes to see if I was lying. "He isn't allowed to have sex with guests, so you'll have to just walk by the surf with him," I laughed.

"Did you really say something to him?" she gasped.

"Yes, I did. I want sugar Rose, and I'll do anything to get it," I admitted.

"Set me up with Jasper," Alice begged. "He can place his foot over his head."

I went to say something to Rose but the visual Alice gave me made me lose my train of thought. I looked back at her and asked, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I thought sex is better if you're limber?" she said stupidly.

"If the woman is limber, not the man," I explained.

"Why?" she asked.

I looked for the Bible, ready to smack her with both the old and new testaments but Rose interrupted me. "Bella, did he seem interested in me?"

Did she really need to ask me that? Did she not know how gorgeous she is? Any man with eyes would be interested in her. "Of course," I told her.

She smiled and walked over to the mirror to fix her post workout makeup, as Alice worked on the limber information. I put on a tshirt over my bikini and we all headed to lunch. I was starving and hoped for a cheeseburger or burrito. I was met with a full table of different kinds of lettuce. Surely it was only the pre lunch salad.

I saw something that looked like French fries and began to cry when I saw it was just julienne sliced jicama. I was going to starve to death if I ate like this for three weeks. I loaded my plate with all the fruit I could find, certain diarrhea would be my end. I sat at a table and ate angrily.

Edward came up from behind and sat in the chair next to me. "Hello, nice to see you remained," he teased.

"Shut up," I said to a man of God, or Allah, or Buddah, whoever he was the man of.

"Ah, still not a fan of the retreat?" he asked.

"I'm a huge fan of the retreat, if I could retreat the hell out of here."

"Give it a try, you may learn something," he suggested.

I turned and looked right into his eyes as I crunched a grape, spraying it from my mouth to his. He wiped his mouth and it somehow felt a bit nasty. Maybe it was because he was a spiritual man, but we just shared fruit juice and it got me a little excited.

"That was weird," I mumbled.

"Excuse me," he said and left my table quickly. Alice watched him leave and came over to see what was going on.

"Who was that?" she asked.

"The Friar," I said, knowing she would think it was a cook.

"What did he want?" she pressed.

"My spit," I said and began gnawing on some papaya.

"Are you going to get off the rag and start having fun?"

"This is me," I pointed out. "I find the down side of everything and exploit it, don't act like any of this surprises you," I said as I continued stuffing myself with fruit.

At that moment Jasper arrived at our table to see how we were enjoying the serenity of our captivity. I rolled my eyes at him and then blurted out, "Alice is hot for you, even in the jammies you wear."

"Bella," she said angrily, without disputing the facts I had told him.

He chuckled and Alice smiled widely as she gave him her best come hither look. Alice was a great girl, loyal as hell, and deeply devoted to anyone who gave her an ounce of attention. She really had grand boobs and I only teased her because I was jealous.

I managed to put the pineapple to the side of my mouth and said with great difficulty, "Can you two go to a different table."

"You are so rude," Alice said, and stood to lead her jammie wearing guru to another table.

I continued on with my gluttony until Rosalie arrived. Her plate was loaded with salad and it angered me, so I dropped my fork and began eating the fruit with my fingers. She kept looking around the place and I finally caught her attention. "Looking for a man on oxygen?" I asked her.

"No, I'm looking for Emmett," she said honestly.

"Isn't he too young for you?"

"I'm ready for a marriage that includes sex," she laughed.

My fruit filled mouth fell open and I gaped at her. "You never had sex with your husbands?"

She leaned in to speak softly. "They went to bed for the night at five pm, of course we never had sex."

"Did you cheat on them?" I asked her, believing there was no way she lived sex free for so long.

"No, I was respectful of my vows," she said proudly, as if gold digging was an honorable business.

I saw Emmett talking with the doctor and I wave wildly until he looked over at me. He smiled and headed in our direction. Rosalie pulled out a chair for him and he sat next to her. I was ready to make an excuse to leave when a woman walked onto a stage and began speaking into a microphone.

"Hello Everyone, I am Esme Cullen, the owner and operator of this health retreat. It is our goal to have you leave her with an enriched mind, strengthened body, and enlightened spirit. If you take advantage of everything offered to you, it will be a life changing experience."

"Bullshit," I mumbled, and a couple at the table next to me looked over. I showed them my half chewed banana and they glared and looked away.

"I want to introduce you to my managers. Jasper Whitlock, can you stand," she called out, and Jasper stood from his spot next to Alice. "Jasper is in charge of the mental experience you will have here at the retreat. His staff will teach you how to meditate and open your mind to new experiences and information."

I chuckled, thinking how much Alice's mind needed opening.

"Emmett McCarty," she said and Emmett pushed his chair back and stood. "His staff will tone your bodies and educate you on healthy food choices."

I really hated Emmett and his staff at the moment!

"Edward Masen," she called and looked around the room. Edward was leaning against the back wall and waved his arm at Esme. "Edward is our spiritual leader. He was trained as a Catholic Priest and is now an Episcopalian Pastor. His staff will be working to bring your mind peace and comfort."

I laughed a bit too loudly and everyone turned to look at me. Edward narrowed his eyes and I held up my glass and said, "Shalom."

Rose smacked my arm and I laughed louder. People paid hard earned money for this retreat and I found it hysterical, not that Rose earned the money, but it was hers and she spent it on this trivial crap.

Esme began announcing the medical staff and it was then I learned her husband was the doctor. She had quite the little shell game going on here and I had to give her props for the initiative. I was just about stuffed with fruit, enough to guarantee horrible intestinal pain, when Edward took hold of my arm and pulled me up out of my seat.

"Hey," I said loudly.

"Come with me, please," he said, and I could hear the anger in his voice.

I let him pull me from the room and onto the pebbled walkway before I pulled my arm away from him. I had no idea why he was so angry, unless he wanted to see my other breast, but I wasn't going to be manhandled.

"Don't act all caveman on me," I demanded.

"Look, you can think whatever you want about me, but when you disrespect Carlisle and Esme it is going over the line," he said with a tight jaw.

I wondered if they were relatives of his, but I couldn't see any resemblance. They were too young to be his parents, so I raised my chin and said, "What's it to you?"

"They are two of the most decent people you will ever meet, and I won't let you mock them."

"I didn't mock them," I said, and then thought back to see if I had mocked them.

"It is your attitude, the way you smirk and roll your eyes," he explained. Yeah, my parents hated that too, but as a middle school teacher it was a hazard of the job.

I smiled softy and said, "So kick me off the island."

"We don't give up on people here," he informed me. "In fact, you are now my personal guest. It is my sole goal to reform you Ms. Swan, may God help me." He actually crossed himself like I was a demon or something.

Most people would be thrilled to have their own personal clergy taking responsibility of their souls, but I'm not most people. I am Bella Swan, and I'm a habitual liar, so I smiled and said, "Great, Edward. I look forward to it."

He had met his match and his life was going to change forever. I would make him my personal project, too. I was going to do everything in my power to corrupt the great Edward Masen. I began by taking hold of his hand and pulling him to my hut.

"I'll change into the jammies," I told him, and then proceeded to undress right in front of him. I expected him to fall to his knees for forgiveness, or at least a better look, but he stared directly at me as I dressed without a hint of embarrassment.

Something told me Edward Masen had been corrupted long ago, and it was how he ended up as the spiritual advisor at this play palace. I was suddenly much more interested in the ex priest, Pastor Masen.


	2. Chapter 4 thru 6

4

I had on the generic scrubs and held my arms up in defeat. Edward motioned for me to sit down and he sat in a chair across from me. He launched right into his 'enlighten Bella' plan and began explaining the need for the attire.

"Bella, people who come here are usually wealthy. They wear certain clothing to display their prominence and feel above others. If we insist everyone dress alike there is no class structure. Everyone views each other as equals."

"Don't you think the fees kind of dispel that notion? I mean, if you can come here you have money, right?"

"It broadens their insight," he tried to tell me and I laughed loudly.

"Why are you no longer a Priest?" I asked him outright to cut through the bull. I assumed he would lie, I would if I were him.

"I had an issue with the celibacy," he said truthfully.

Damn, I would have never admitted that. I nodded and felt rude for putting him on the spot. I was drowning in the big guru suit and wondered if it wasn't just a way to make rich women feel skinny. I raised my eyebrows and said, "Now what, Father?"

"Don't call me father," he said with a smile.

"Okay, daddy," I teased.

He groaned and stood to lead me from the room. I had a wild hair and decided to jump onto his back. He grabbed hold of my legs and continued out of the bungalow without a care in the world. "Where are we going?" I asked, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"To make a sacrifice to the gods," he joked. "I'm tossing you into a volcano."

"You can't, I'm not a virgin," I admitted.

"It's a twenty-first century volcano," he said and I laughed very loudly. He was quick witted and I found it very sexy.

He headed down a thin trail and walked about fifty yards before putting me back onto my feet. We were beginning to climb and I knew my added weight would be too much for him. I followed behind until we came to a steep cliff. He stopped and leaned against the railing and looked down at the raging sea below.

"See how angry the ocean seems from here?" he asked.

I felt weak in the knees as I looked down the sheer rock face. I quickly backed up and he remained against the railing. "We are like the ocean, moving peacefully until something impedes our path. Then we rage against it, taking time to slowly change the thing in our path, or we simply go around it and continue on."

"No, no, no," I said and shook my finger at him. "This isn't some life metaphor. The ocean has land under it at all times and only the depth changes. There is no raging going on, the depth changed and the water has no free will to react."

"If it did, would it react differently?" he asked.

"Why don't I push you in and you can ask it?" I laughed.

I noticed how he held a bit tighter to the railing, unsure just how mentally unstable I was. I headed back up the trail to see where it led to and said, "I don't buy any of this surreal bullshit. We work hard for our money, we try to find people we connect with, and after all the crap is over and done with, we die."

"You seem too young to be so cynical," he said as he followed.

"Yeah, I don't have a clue what I'm saying," I admitted. "I'm twenty- five and feel so young and so old at the same time."

"Do you believe in God?" he asked.

"Sometimes, if the orgasm is good enough," I teased.

"Do you believe in a higher power that knows all?" he asked further.

"In my world, I'm the higher power. My students think I know it all."

I stopped walking and turned to face him. We were both sweating in the humid heat and his wet hair was slicked back out of his eyes. He was so pretty and his serene face pulled you in. "You are a beautiful man," I said aloud, when I meant to say it to myself.

He blushed a bit and looked away as he smiled. "We better head back," he suggested.

"No way," I said and turned back to keep climbing. "This is a life metaphor. Are we courageous enough to see where the path leads? Or do we turn back out of fear?"

"I know where it leads and the climb is going to get steeper," he said but continued following me.

It was over an hour before we came to the end of the trail. You could see the entire island and it took my breath away with its beauty. Edward seemed almost overwhelmed by the view and his eyes grew wet as he turned all the way around in awe.

"I thought you've been here?" I asked him.

He shook his head without speaking and continued looking around in amazement. The wind was blowing and I closed my eyes and let it cool my sweaty body. Edward sat down as he continued looking at the ocean so I sat down next to him.

"You should bring your patients up here," I said.

"Patients?" he laughed, "You are not patients."

"I meant parishioners," I said with embarrassment.

"How can you look at this and not know there is a God," he said in wonder.

"I never said I don't think there is a God."

He looked at me and smiled, making me nervous by his beauty. Most religious men were not gorgeous and it threw me a bit. "I've been disappointed by your kind," I said truthfully, "Priest molesting boys, pastors having affairs, ministers hiding gay lovers. I believe in God, I just don't believe in you."

"You only hear about the anomalies, not the ones who give their lives to serving God," he offered.

"So tell me about your downfall."

I wasn't sure he would tell me the story but it was worth the effort to ask. We were at the top of the world, or at least our tiny portion of the world, and there was just him and I to hear his words. He took a deep breath and began.

"I was an only child and my mother decided my vocation for me. She told me as a small child I was going to be a Priest. Every decision of my life was centered on that one absolute."

"Wow, she must have freaked when you did the nasty," I said, and watched his eyes close in pain. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"I saw other men fall time and time again, but I couldn't cover it up. I met a woman and I fell in love, so I left the Priesthood."

"What happened to the girl?"

"She loved me because I was a priest," he said sadly, "Forbidden love and all that."

"Seriously?" I asked in shock, and he nodded in agreement.

"Wow, I've never considered a collar a turn on," I admitted.

"I didn't want to live without love, so I changed denominations," he said and I could tell it was something coming from his heart. I never had to make a choice for love, I usually thought only about sex and not about falling in love with someone.

"You were right," I admitted, far from any listening ears to hear my confession to the priest. "My parents are divorced and I don't feel like I deserve a real relationship."

"You do," he said softly and I had to swallow deeply.

"It's the view talking," I said and set my chin on my knee as I looked over the site.

"Tell me about yourself," he said and I sighed.

I never summed up my life before, and wasn't sure where to start. Did he want to know what was going on now or what I was like as a kid? I was trying to find a starting spot when he interrupted me. "What brought you here?"

"My friend Rosalie brought me and Alice. Her husband died and she needed…."

"To heal?" he said for me.

"No," I laughed, "More like celebrate."

"He was a hundred and six or something like that," I said and his eyes widened. "Rose is terrified of being poor so she did what she needed to do to make sure it didn't happen."

"Most people study hard and get a lot of education," he said and I just shrugged.

"Alice is trying to figure out how to be a grown up. Her parents are convinced she is only twelve and keep her on a short leash. This is her attempt at asserting her independence. She wants to assert it on Jasper."

"Really?" he laughed.

"Yeah, but I don't think the brain of the place would work with the vapidness of Alice. Just like Emmett's youth is not a good match for Rose, but she wants him anyway."

"And the cynical Bella is on top of a mountain with the Pastor," he pointed out and I looked away from his amusing eyes.

"This place is whack," I said softly.

"Naw, this place is paradise," he said adamantly.

We sat there in silence as the sun began to set. The sight was beautiful, but the thought of walking the trail in the dark dawned on us both. We headed back down the mountain at a faster pace, trying to beat the setting sun.

We came to a thick rock wall and the trail ended. "Crap," Edward said, choosing that word over shit. "We must have gotten off the right trail."

"I was following you," I explained, so I wasn't blamed for our deaths.

He began walking back the way we came and finally asked if I had a phone. "I would have called for help if I did," I told him.

"I just want to use the light to see," he explained and I patted my pockets to show they were empty.

He leaned over to see the trail better and I held onto his tunic tightly so I wouldn't lose sight of him, and so he wouldn't fall from a cliff.

We ended up deeper into the island instead of closer to the coast and decided to stop walking and wait to be saved. The weather wasn't going to be cold but the darkness of the island scared me a bit. We sat against a fallen tree and I moved close to Edward.

"Are there any wild animals out here?" I asked.

"You should be fine," he whispered. "I can offer last rites, if anything happens."

"Yeah right, you chose sex over God, I'm not trusting my soul to you," I said and held his arm tightly. I expected him to be offended but he laughed and it made me smile. "Maybe we should do it one last time before we die," I teased him.

"You are going to be the death of me," he said, with a strained voice.

"But what a way to go," I said and he leaned his head on mine.

"Go to sleep, Bella, before you tempt a man of God."

I yawned and let my body lean completely against his. "If I die in my sleep, I'm going to be so pissed."

"Me too," he admitted, "Me too."

5

I woke up as the sun began to rise, giving a smoky illusion over the island. My legs were so sore and I let them fall flat as my knees ached. Edward raised both of his arms to stretch and I automatically reached out to tickle him. He pulled his arms back down and looked at me with his bottom lip sticking out a bit, making me laugh.

"We lived," I announced.

He stood and looked around before saying, "Stay here."

"Where are you going?" I asked, thinking he was leaving me.

"To use the restroom," he said and walked deeper into the jungle. I could use my own personal bush so I headed in the other direction. I didn't have any toilet paper and was forced to use a leaf. I made my way back to Edward and wanted nothing more than a hot bath.

"I'm hungry," he said.

"I've been starving since I got here, so get in line."

"I think we can find the right trail with the light," he said and we began walking again.

He was right and we made it back to the resort just as the fruit hit my intestines. I was running the last few yards and burst into my bungalow and ran for the bathroom where I stayed for a good hour. I used a toilet, God's greatest invention. Then I used the shower, and then I used the bathtub, but something was happening to a very private area of my body.

It started as a weird numbing and moved into an all out stinging. I itched…badly….worse than a yeast infection. I put on some fresh clothing and rushed to see Carlisle, rubbing my legs together as often as possible on the way.

"You have to help me," I cried, as I entered his office.

"Is your ankle bothering you?" he asked and looked down at my twisted legs.

"No, higher," I cried.

"Your knee?"

"Higher, my…." I leaned in and whispered so nobody could possibly hear, "My snatch."

"I'm sorry, your what?" he asked in confusion.

I pointed adamantly at the spot and he smiled and nodded in understanding. "I see," he said, and there was nothing showing so he was a liar too. "Have you had sex recently?"

"No," I said, unhappy about his inference. "I used a leaf…after I peed."

It was supposed to be easy to talk to a medical doctor, but I knew they were men first and doctors second, so it wasn't as easy as it should have been.

"Could it have been poison ivy?" he asked.

"I don't know, It was easy to reach, so I used it," I explained.

"I'm afraid you'll have to let me look at it," he said, and I happily jumped onto the examination table. I was desperate for the burning to stop.

He applied something cold that helped and then handed me a tube of cream and a pill to take. "The salt in the ocean will help, so skip the program today and spend it at the beach."

I finally did something right. It was worth the "blister on the sister" to get out of playing commune today. I put on one of my swim suits and headed to the beach. Things like hunger no longer bothered me. I was thinking of one thing….my thing.

I was sitting on the sand with the surf up to my waist when Edward found me. "Did you eat?" he called out.

"No, go get me a cinnamon roll," I called back to him.

"I can get you a protein bar," he offered, and I shook my head in agreement.

Maybe if I itched the blisters constantly, they would have to send me home due to infection, or for disturbing the other guests. I was willing to be the perverted girl for a chance to get the hell out of here.

Edward returned and handed me a bar that looked like it had been rolled in bird seed. I took a bite and almost gagged.

"It is healthy, but not very tasty."

"You should have warned me," I said as I spit the seeds out of my mouth.

"Eat it, you haven't eaten since lunch yesterday," he pointed out.

I didn't tell him that all left my system in a steady stream of liquid. It was gross enough to admit I had a poisonous puss.

"I need real food Edward, I'm serious. I want bread, white bread, non enriched with bleached flour, preferably covered in butter and sugar."

"I'll see what I can do," he said and left again. I swore my allegiance to his God if he returned with a cookie, luckily he returned with just a dinner roll.

I ate it greedily and didn't offer to share it once. He finally sat next to me and asked, "What are you doing out here?"

"You gave me an STD," I informed him.

"I did?" he laughed, "Wow, I'm good. I never laid a hand on you."

"You took me to infected lands, it was the same as screwing me over and you know it."

"Do you care to explain?" he asked.

I looked at his body sitting next to me and noticed something for the first time. He didn't have on underwear under his white cotton guru pants. The water was causing the loose material to cling to his body, outlining his holy essence.

I quickly looked away and wanted to change the subject quickly. "This water is warm," I blurted out.

"It is nice here year round," he said looking into the ocean.

I glanced down, just to make sure I had seen what I thought I had. Okay, to take another look. This time he looked down too. He quickly pulled his tunic down to cover himself and I pretended to be looking at my own leg.

"I have a bought of poison ivy," I finally admitted.

"I didn't get anything," he said stupidly.

"Guys just shake and bake when they pee," I said, in hope he would understand.

He thought for a moment and then smiled as he asked, "You used ivy?"

"No, I was raped by a wood nymph," I said, and looked away so I couldn't see his laughter.

"Carlisle suggested the salt water?" he asked, and I only nodded.

He stood and I thought he was leaving so his religious brain wouldn't imagine my wounded womb. Instead he said, "You can't sit in the water all day, you'll be sunburned. Go back to your bungalow and I'll get you some movies and some food to make it through the day."

"Real food?" I asked.

"How about shrimp scampi?" he offered.

"I'd be a devoted follower," I admitted truthfully.

He laughed and walked off in the opposite direction. I was trying to itch as I walked, making me appear handicapped, but I didn't care. I got inside the bungalow and scratched with vigor before changing and applying more cream.

I got into my bed with only a shirt on and waited for Edward to make good on his promise. He came almost an hour later, just as I was losing faith in him. He had a tray filled with food and several DVD's to choose from.

I saw a salad and gave him the stink eye, so he raised the top and showed me the shrimp scampi he promised. I grabbed a piece and ate quickly as the juice ran down my finger. He smiled and raised a second lid to show a small bowl of chocolate pudding. "Oh my God," I cried out. "I absolutely love you."

I stuck my finger in the goodness and licked it, sucking every bit of the chocolate into my mouth.

"I can do better," he grinned, and I wanted to cry. He pulled out a Hershey bar from his pocket and I would have seriously had sex with him, blistered sister and all.

Alice and Rose came into the room and saw Edward and both gave us a knowing smile. I felt protective of my man of the cloth and quickly spoke up. "Edward and I got lost in the jungle and my cooter got poisoned."

The worst thing about being an obsessive liar is when you finally tell the truth nobody believes you. Rose straightened her shoulders and said, "If you're messing around with him, I'm messing around with Emmett."

"Me, too," Alice chimed in.

"Emmett would break you in two. He can only mess around with Rose's ample ass," I said and Alice leaned her head in confusion as Rose tried to look at her own butt.

Edward broke into laughter and I smiled up at him. He got my cynicism and it made me happy. He finally stepped away from my bed and said, "Bella has poison ivy and we did not mess around."

Rose gave me a sad look of regret, and then looked at Edward. "Did you really get lost in the jungle?"

"Yes, not really lost, but it became dark and we couldn't find the right trail. We made it home this morning."

"I was given a free pass today," I informed them. "The doctor gave me permission."

Edward left and Rose and Alice came over to see the food I was eating. They hurried off to lunch to see if they were going to be offered the same. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was a special meal just for me. I looked at the DVD's and laughed when I saw they were all in Portuguese.

I ate my food, applied more cream, and fell asleep in my bed to the soft jungle sounds around me. I felt someone touch my face softly and I opened my eyes to see Edward looking down at me. I rolled over to make sure I was totally covered by the sheet.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Like a whore without penicillin," I said, and sat against the headboard.

"Anything you need?"

"Yeah, do you speak Portuguese?" I asked, and nodded to the DVD's.

"Yes, I do," he said and took one of the movies and put it in the machine. He then crawled up on my bed next to me and turned up the sound. A man came on the screen and said something as Edward interpreted. "I am a sexy man and I need a real woman."

A dog ran up to the man and Edward said, "You are not a real woman, you are a dog, go away."

I pushed his shoulder and laughed, "You lied. I can't believe you're a semi priest and you lied."

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, I was the biggest liar around, but it was expected with me.

"I'm from Chicago," he admitted. "I don't speak Portuguese."

I turned to face him fully and asked, "Who brought you here? You said a rich lady or something?"

"A woman in my congregation brought me here when I was dealing with some personal issues. I found a lot of help here with Esme's program and I stayed."

"A woman… like a lover?" I asked.

"No, she felt she was…" He shook his head and smiled a little like he was embarrassed to continue.

"What?" I asked, totally curious now.

"She thought she was possessed," he said softly.

"By a devil?" I asked in shock.

"She was a sex addict, there was no devil to it," he said adamantly.

I began to laugh and would have laughed even harder if I wasn't going easy on my places that jiggled. I could picture it all, an older woman who wanted the preacher so she rushed him off to an island and blamed it on a demon. I guess he was pretty enough to catch satan's attention, but the fact he fell for it made me laugh all over again.

"I want my candy bar back," he said, holding out his hand.

"No way, I ate that long ago. Was it really yours?" I asked him.

He acted funny, like he had gone to a lot of trouble to get me some chocolate and it meant something. The room was filled with tension and when he nodded I leaned over and kissed his cheek gratefully. He looked up at me and smiled, causing me to cry out in pain from the reaction of my poor blistered region.

I grabbed my crotch in agony and he stood and headed to the door. "That will teach you to try and seduce a Pastor."

"You're evil," I yelled after him, and when he was gone I raised my t-shirt to offer my itchy blisters some fresh air.

6

I spent the next few hours alone in my agony. I could hear music and the sound of people laughing, but I had no desire to join them. I took another bath and reapplied the cream before Rose and Alice returned again.

This time Emmett was with them. I watched Rose in action as she complimented his muscles and ran her fingernails down his arm. He was eating it up and I would be willing to bet they would end up in bed before the end of the first week. Alice seemed to be having a harder time with Jasper.

She was so desperate she was actually trying to learn French so she could join one of his afternoon classes. Jasper seemed like the kind who would keep the rules so I knew she had a fight on her hands.

"Bella there is a live band tonight," Rose said, and shook her ass when she said it. "I hope you feel well enough to come dancing."

This day could not get any worse. I was going to miss the only night of fun just because I needed to pee in the jungle. I had to come up with some way to make sure I could go. I decided to check with Carlisle. I put on a dress without any panties and headed to the infirmary.

Carlisle smiled when I walked in. "You look better," he observed.

"I'm ready to attack my labia with a fork so don't let looks fool you," I informed him. "I need numbing medicine so I can attend the dance tonight."

"I can give you some Desitin lotion, but that is it," he offered.

"What is Desitin?" I asked.

"It is a thick cream used for diaper rash."

Great, I was going to attend a dance, hopefully with a man of the cloth, slathered in diaper rash medication. I was really beginning to hate this island. I took the offered cream and headed back to the room. I bathed once again, applied the sticky cream and put of fresh panties which immediately stuck to the lotion.

I left my long dark hair down and put on a sexy sleeveless dress. I no longer wanted a flower for my hair, because it would most likely cause me to go bald. I applied my makeup and headed to the pre dance reception dinner. Finally, finally, there was decent food. I loaded up my plate with lobster and crab legs and stood against a pillar to eat. Edward walked up, looking extra gorgeous and offered me a seat at his table.

"Sorry, I'm not sitting at all tonight," I explained.

"Oh that's right," he chuckled.

"If you were a real gentleman you would stand the entire time with me," I said, hoping he didn't realize I was begging for his company.

"I'll do you one better," he said and reached out to take my plate. "I'll feed you."

He offered me a bite from my plate and I took it with a smile. I realize there is nothing wrong with my hands, but if he wanted to feed me seafood, I was game.

The band began to play rich salsa music so I raised my hands over my head and began moving my body with the beat of the music. Edward looked me up and down, which was quite brazen for a man of his stature.

"I used to be a dancer," I lied.

"It shows," he smiled.

A woman approached him and took hold of his arm. She leaned her large chest into him and said, "Come dance with me, Pastor Edward."

I was appalled at how forward she was when he was obviously dancing with me, not actually dancing, but watching me dance. "Excuse me," I said and pulled on his other arm.

Poor Edward looked mortified that two women would physically fight over him. He pulled away from both of us and turned to the older, less attractive woman. "I'm sorry but I was offering Ms. Swan some counsel. I'll be happy to dance with your later."

He lied! And it made my blisters itch!

He took my arm and led me from the building into the fresh air along the beach. It was dark, which pleased me. Not because he wouldn't be able to tell how attracted to him I was, but because I could scratch without his knowledge.

We walked for several moments before he offered me more food. I took it willingly and he chuckled nervously. "I'm not going to try anything," I promised him.

We took a few more steps and he suddenly asked, "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why aren't you going to try anything?"

Nothing like putting me on the spot! He was way beyond my comfort zone. I didn't feel like conquering the entire religious establishment, when I had so little religious training of my own. I remembered one story and quickly added my interpretation. "Remember the guy with the long hair, the Fabio of the Bible?"

"I don't recall a Fabio," he laughed.

"No, you know the guy who couldn't cut his hair?"

"Ah yes, Samson."

"Yeah, Sammy. I think he didn't want to be the hero."

Edward stopped walking and turned to face me, obviously feeling the need to hear me out as if this was going to be good.

"Okay, he's hot for this chick that betrays him over and over again, yet he still tells her the secret to his strength, no guy is that dumb," I said with conviction. "He didn't want to be the hero, so he left it in her hands to make the decision for him."

I smiled widely at Edward but he didn't return my smile. He stared at me as if his mind was trying to figure something out. I took advantage of his trance to rub my legs together to sooth my diaper area.

"He ends up being the hero anyway," Edward said to me. I think it was to me; maybe he was simply pointing it out to himself.

"Because he doesn't have a choice," I explained. "He is the hero, period."

"So we can't change the paths of our lives?" he asked.

"Sure we can, but we still end up being what we are meant to be. Look at you, you wanted to be a preacher, but you chose differently and still ended up being the preacher."

We began walking again and he looked up at the stars before asking, "And what is Bella Swan destined to be?"

I sighed loudly and he turned to look at me. "I'm the philosopher," I answered, because it sounded better than saying I was a predetermined liar.

He led us over to a large group of rocks and we sat in the cool sand with our backs against the boulders. I managed to refrain from rubbing sand harshly on my panties, but the thought did cross my mind. We sat silently and watched Emmett and Rose walk by without knowing we were close by. They stopped with their feet in the surf and kissed romantically.

"He's so going to be fired," I observed.

"Esme adores him," Edward said, telling me Emmett could do pretty much what he wanted.

"What's with Jasper? Is he not feeling Alice?"

"Jasper will love a girl for her mind, not her looks," he informed me and I groaned, knowing Alice didn't stand a chance.

We were quiet again until Edward said, "Well at least you don't have to do anything for a week or two."

"Why?" I asked stupidly.

"Because of the poison ivy."

I actually gasped out loud and jumped up to face him. "What? A week or two, are you serious?"

"I thought you didn't want to participate?" he asked in surprise.

"I didn't, but I had other things I wanted to participate in. You have no idea how awful this is. I want to hump that rock just for relief."

"You would just end up with crabs," he laughed, so I kicked sand at him. He stood and brushed off his pants before giving me a toss of his head and heading in a different direction. I followed behind and he led me to some open hot springs.

"You might find this helpful for the itching," he said and splashed some of the warm water at me.

I wanted to try to hot water so badly, but my dress was strapless and I didn't have on a bra to cover as a swimsuit. I stuck my toe in and then looked at Edward with sadness. "I don't have a swimsuit."

"You can swim in your underwear," he offered.

"I only have half a swimsuit," I admitted, and wondered if I should let the good father see my bare chest since he had seen half of it already.

He took off his button down shirt and pulled off his t-shirt and handed it to me. I pulled it over my head and then lowered my dress over my hips. I walked into the water and sighed as the heat burned in all the right places. Edward took off his pants and I was happy to see he was wearing boxers.

We stood awkwardly in the middle of the spring and then he reached out slowly and placed his hand on my waist. I looked at him in surprise. I think he was getting frisky with me, in a romantic way. Did he really think I would let him scratch my itch? I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked him right in the eyes.

"What's going on, Father?"

"Don't call me that," he repeated.

"Are you here because you've been assigned to me?" I asked outright, because dang, he was devoted if he was.

"I don't want to be the hero," he said, and I noticed a hint of sadness in his sexy eyes.

"And you're leaving the decision in my hands?" I asked with raised eyebrows.

He smiled and the moon glistened off his teeth. He may have answered but I didn't hear it if he did. I was mesmerized by his gorgeous mouth and licked my own lips as I stared like a starving woman. "Are you going to kiss me?" he asked quietly.

"No," I lied and lowered my mouth to his. I kissed him softly, as if my mouth was covered in blisters. He responded and kissed me back, but never escalated it into anything more. I kept my feet securely planted on the bottom of the pond in case they wrapped around him and turned his body into an scratching post.

The noise of people approaching made us fly apart and scamper to opposite ends of the spring. I could make out Alice's high pitched voice but it was Rose and Emmett who came into view first. "Bella, what are you doing here?" she asked.

"I'm studying the dead sea scrolls," I said, and only Edward laughed.

She pulled off her dress, exposing a corset, and jumped into the water. Alice was standing by Jasper and I could tell she was terrified to expose her saggy boobs. I finally saved her by saying, "Hey, Jasper, give Alice your shirt. She's not a whore like Rose."

"Bella," Rose yelled.

"I'm helping her out, be a sport and take on the moniker," I said with my jaw tightly clamped.

Jasper pulled off his black muscle shirt and handed it to Alice. It covered her like a dress and showed just enough boob from the side to look innocently sexy. He suddenly cared less for her IQ number and more for her cup size. The brilliant guru was just a man after all.

"Isn't this the best vacation ever?" Rose asked me with a broad smile.

"Oh yeah, I'm planning to go to Australia and get gangrene next year," I answered, and Edward put his hands around my waist and pulled me against him.

"Is it really so bad?" he whispered in my ear.

It sent goosebumps down my body and kicked up the itching tenfold. Jasper was firmly attached to Alice's mouth and I wanted to point out we were here first. But nobody paid any attention to the couple next to them, so I blocked out my roommates too.

I twisted around in Edward's arms and put my mouth to his ear and spoke with a breathy voice. "I'd pay you to stop the itching."

He laughed. I didn't want him to laugh. I wanted to him to use his healing hands and offer relief. "I think we should leave," he said, "The heat is soothing but it can dry out your skin if you stay too long."

Was he really worried about my dried up, diseased hutchie coo? Or did my proposition scare him? I looked at the other two kissing couples and made my way out of the spring. I picked up my dress and Edward took it from my hand and then took my hand in his and pulled me with him.

I wasn't sure what was going on. He was walking quickly and keeping to the darkness of the shadows as we hurried through the maze of bungalows. As soon as we got to mine he rushed in and tossed the clothes to the floor and pulled me into his arms and kissed me passionately.

Oh man, I had a pastor in my room and an itch to be nasty. I was going to have to lie big time over this!


	3. Chapter 7 thru 9

7

After the toe curling kiss Edward turned to leave. I was stunned, and a bit hurt. He didn't even wait to retrieve his shirt and that was downright rude. I could have stayed in the hot spring and watched the others make out if I had known he was going to run out on me.

I took a shower and wondered if he went back to the dance to make good on his commitment to dance with the older woman. I was so confused and didn't know if I should chase him harder or move on to an easier target.

I turned in early for the night and never heard Rose or Alice come home. I woke up feeling almost sick by the constant itching. I got in the tub and then applied the Desitin cream before heading out for breakfast. Meditation hour had just ended and both Rose and Alice had been in attendance. I walked over to where they stood in line and waited for them to fill me in.

"How did it go with Edward?" they both asked.

"Great," I lied. "He's one hot preacher."

They both laughed and something told me they knew nothing happened. I turned the conversation back to them. "Did things go well with muscles and the brain?"

"He's literally brilliant," Alice responded, and I wasn't sure if she knew the definition of the word Literally or Brilliant.

"I'm never dating an old man again," Rose said with a giggle.

"You're both deranged," I mumbled, because I was jealous.

We made it to the food table and I looked at the fruit and cringed. I wasn't ready for that again. I got some Melba toast and coffee and went to an empty table. I was angrily dipping my hard toast into my black coffee when Edward arrived. I glared at him, but was a bit relieved the older woman wasn't with him.

"Good morning," he said with a smile.

"Really, what's good about it?" I asked.

"Well, the weather is perfect, you are one day closer to being healed, and I plan to kiss you again today," he grinned.

What nerve, as if people actually planned out kissing. "Let me clue you in, preacher boy. The weather is humid and freaks my hair, I am still getting new blisters, and I'm not going to let you kiss me today."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because I don't like the way you kiss," I lied. I loved the way he kissed. I just didn't like the way he left after he kissed me.

"What if I let you teach me to kiss better?" he offered, but I wasn't sure I believed him. I gave him a wary look and shook my head. "No?" he asked for clarification.

"No, it would take me hours and hours to teach you. I doubt you have the time," I said, and took a bite of my soggy toast.

"You're right" he said to sadden me. "I am very busy today, so I will have to see you tonight for my lesson."

He stood and walked away without waiting for an answer. I wanted to stand and yell, "Over my dead body," but who was I kidding. I was feeling giddy inside over the prospect of kissing him for hours. Rose and Alice sat down and watched Edward walking away.

"Is he mad?" Alice asked.

"Yes, totally mad, crazy as a loon," I answered.

"Emmett told me Edward doesn't believe in premarital sex," Rose smirked.

It was just my luck, to find the one hot guy who would want to stick a ring on my finger. Jake had wanted me to marry him too. I wasn't marrying anyone. I didn't like Jake, and I didn't know Edward, but it wasn't an issue when you lied as good as I did. I would swear my undying love to Edward and get a little something before having a revelation that we were not meant to be.

I felt confident I could pull this off and smiled at Rose, "I don't think he is opposed to having sex with a fiancé."

"You want to marry him?" Alice gasped.

"Sure, why not," I said with a shrug.

"It would be so amazing to marry here," Alice sighed, and Rose looked at me like I had gone insane.

"You don't even know him," Rose pointed out.

"I know everything I need to know," I lied. "We have talked more than I ever talked to Jake."

Alice looked at Rose with wide eyes and said, "I need to talk to Jasper more."

"No, you don't," I said quickly. "Jasper isn't religious; he doesn't care to know what you're thinking."

I had to keep Alice from showing him her brain was as small as everything else on her body, except her breasts, she had great breasts. I wasn't going to really marry Edward and it was a ridiculous notion that only Alice would believe. But I did find the challenge intriguing.

I spent the day lying on my bed with my feet on the arms of a chair and a fan blowing directly onto my airless area. I was hoping to dry up the blisters and start the shedding process. I had earbuds in and was singing loudly to the song, _I love the Way You Lie,_ when Edward walked into my room.

I screamed and dropped my feet as he turned every shade of red and spun around so only his back faced me.

"Don't you knock?" I yelled.

"I did, several times," he responded.

I pulled the earbuds out of my ears and threw them at him. "I guess this means we're engaged," I sighed.

"What?" he laughed.

"If a preacher sees your Holy land don't you have to marry?"

He finally turned back around to look at me, or at least at the part of me that has a working mouth. "I came to see if you want to attend a group session I'm giving tonight on a boat."

"You're not going to walk on water are you?" I asked, and kind of wondered if he could.

"No, but I will offer both water and wine to drink," he teased. I could sense there was more to this boat ride than he was telling me. But I was bored out of my mind so I decided to agree.

"What should I wear?" I asked.

He laughed and turned to leave as he threw out a suggestion. "Underwear would be a nice change."

"Don't act so Holy Father, I've seen your spirit stick too you know," I yelled after him. Of course I saw it due to water on his guru outfit, not spread eagle in front of my eyes.

I got ready by applying the thick, sticky cream and dressed as cute as a diseased cootchie can before heading to join the group at the boat dock. Most of the other participants were couples and I wondered if we were going to work on kissing after all. I was good with it, since he would have to jump off the boat to leave me.

Edward helped me onto the boat and whispered, "You look beautiful."

"You're just saying that because my legs are closed," I said a bit too loudly. The others looked at Edward like they were losing faith in him.

We rode to the far side of the island and out further into the ocean. At a certain point the boat stopped and all the lights shut off. It was completely dark, without only moonlight shining off the water. Edward sat in front of everyone and spoke softly.

"I want you to listen," he said.

We all sat quietly and all that could be heard was the sound of waves hitting against the boat. It was a slow sloshing noise that sounded almost musical. He finally spoke again and said, "If this turned out to be your final moment, what would you regret?"

"Getting on this boat," I called out and everyone laughed.

"We are too far from land to swim, the radio is out, and the boat is sinking….think to _yourself_ what you would be feeling," he instructed, totally ignoring my outburst.

I thought about my class and how much I would miss them. I thought about my parents, and wondered if my death would bring them closer or separate them more. Then I thought of Edward and how much fun I had with him. And of course, how much fun I would miss out on with him.

I looked up at his expression and he was sitting with his face up at the moonlight and I could see traces of tears. I wondered what he was thinking. He finally addressed the group again. "If this was your last moment on earth, did you live up to your potential?"

Everyone shook their heads back and forth and I noticed how the couples began to sit a little closer to each other.

"Did you hurt people you loved?"

We all nodded.

"Did you offer forgiveness to those who wronged you?"

We shook our heads back and forth in unison.

"It isn't too late," he whispered. "Get rid of the regret and live each day as if it were your last. Sometimes we have to be reminded to be still and know that He is God. It is the 'be still' part that we have trouble with."

He stopped talking and we all sat silently as we felt a desire to change and be better. I finally stood and walked over to Edward. He smiled and opened his arms so I wrapped mine around him and we held each other quietly.

The other couples began to mumble and whisper to each other. Kisses and apologies could be heard and I spoke into Edward's ear, "You are freaking amazing."

He chuckled and whispered back. "I'd kiss you, but you don't like the way I kiss."

"I'll regret it forever if I don't kiss you right now," I admitted truthfully and planted a good one on him.

The boat began to cheer and I felt the need to perform further, but luckily Edward didn't. The engine started and we made our way back to the island. We all climbed off the boat and everyone thanked Edward as he smiled and wished them all a good night.

When everyone was gone I held out my hand for Edward's and when he took it I started walking toward the bungalows.

"Bella," he said softly. "I'm not sure we should go back to your room."

Well, I was sure. I could be sure for both of us. He had already seen my entire body, and I had glimpses of his. "Is it a religious thing?" I asked him.

He ran his hands into my hair and kissed me before he answered. "I've made some really big mistakes when it comes to women, I don't want you to be another one."

"So what are we going to do, skip around the island and play hopscotch? I'm not naïve Edward. I'm sure you have a new girl every three weeks, just like Jasper and Emmett."

"Most women wouldn't dream of hitting on a Pastor, so no I don't have new women every three weeks. I spend most of my time with couples teaching them to reconnect," he informed me.

"Maybe you're spending so much time reconnecting people that you are forgetting to connect yourself. I'm not going to jump you, but I wouldn't mind holding you closely for a bit," I said to tempt him.

He looked right into my eyes as he struggled with his conscience. I didn't wait for him to make a decision; I took his hand and led him to my bungalow. I didn't turn on any lights; I just pulled him into a big chair and sat down with him.

"Okay, Mr. Masen. When kissing you need to be in the moment. Don't think about what is coming or when you should leave. Just kiss for the sake of kissing," I instructed.

"And it won't get out of hand?" he asked.

I shook my head so I wouldn't have to verbally lie. Our mouths were getting closer and closer together and his arms were pulling me tighter to his body. Just as we connected into a deep tongue kiss the lights came on and Esme walked into the room. And she didn't even knock.

8

Esme Cullen was only about ten years older than me, but her presence filled the room. I naturally cowered in front of her and Edward looked like he was caught molesting a saint. She put her hands on her hips and then looked around the room.

"Are Emmett and Jasper here?"

"No," I said quickly, in case she thought I was entertaining her entire staff in my room.

"What's going on?" she asked us both directly.

"I was…um…kissing Ms. Swan," Edward said guiltily.

"And that is all because I have an out of order vagina," I said to let her know kissing was all we were doing. "If you don't believe me ask your husband."

I took the situation from bad to worse and didn't even realize it. Edward quickly explained about the poison ivy so Carlisle wouldn't be turned into fish bait.

Esme sighed and then sat down in a chair, as if she was going to join us for the evening. I don't care if she owns the resort, I'm not teaching her to kiss, too.

"The reasons for the rules are to keep us free from legal action," she explained.

"I'm not going to sue, Edward and I are in love," I lied. "We had a WHAM moment when are eyes met across the room. This is a forever kind of feeling, not a vacation fling." I thought it sounded convincing and she let a small smile form across her face so I continued. "We're talking marriage; of course I don't have a ring yet, so it isn't official."

She rushed over to where we were sitting and hugged us both tightly. "I'm so happy for you Edward. You deserve this more than anyone I know."

Wait, why did he deserve it more than anyone else? Was there something I didn't know? Was he deformed somewhere important or emotionally incapable of a relationship? I suddenly wished I knew my fake fiancé better. There is nothing worse than being the ignorant girl with the loser guy.

She left the bungalow and I looked at Edward to see if he was upset at the cover I used. He didn't appear upset, he looked….hot. His eyes were dark and he pulled me back to his mouth and kissed me with a vengeance. The kissing was great, but his strategically placed thigh was even better.

All I could think was, _Ahh, yeah right there_.

Until Alice came through the door. Edward immediately pulled away from my mouth and I had a thought which I let escape from my mouth, "Why aren't we at your bungalow?"

He chuckled and got up to leave, and didn't invite me along, so I made do with Alice. She sat down on the sofa and smiled widely at me.

"How are Pinky and the Brain?"

"I think I'm in love," she sighed.

"In one week?" I asked, before I declared my own obsession with my priest.

"I've never loved a guy for his mind before. Jasper teaches me so much," she confessed and I nodded, assuming it was the truth.

"Does he know you work for your daddy?" I asked, and it took a lot to use the word 'work'.

"I think my father would love him," she said as she appeared deep in thought. I was certain her father would love Jasper; he could let him finish raising Alice without worry.

"Well, I'm feeling better so I think I'll attend the regular schedule tomorrow," I said and headed off to bed. I wasn't so sure when the alarm went off before sunrise.

I had to force myself out of the bed. I applied my cream and put on the jammies before heading off the meditation. Jasper looked shocked to see me, and thrilled to see Alice. She sat in the front of the room as I made my way to the back next to Rose. I scooted my mat next to the wall and leaned against it with my eyes closed.

"Bella?" I heard someone call softly. I opened my eyes to see Jasper kneeling in front of me. "Are you thinking of the day ahead and how you can make it better?"

I was actually sleeping, which would have made the day much better, but he ruined it for me. "Yes," I whispered. "I was thinking how great it would be if Jasper would shut the hell up."

"Good girl," he said and patted my leg as if I was a dog. The guy was really beginning to bug me.

When the sun rose we were allowed to head to breakfast. I needed coffee right away or there was a real possibility someone was going to be hurt. I poured a cup and sat down just as Edward walked up. I held up my finger to make him wait and took a big gulp, "Okay, go ahead," I told him.

"Good morning, love," he said with a grin.

Love, did he really just call me love? I didn't have near enough coffee in my system for that. "Yeah, what you said," I replied, only capable of lying so much.

"I heard you went to meditation," he said proudly. I had heard that tone of voice from my parents when I actually attended classes instead of sneaking off with friends to hang out at the mall.

"Well, I do need to pass after all," I said cynically. It wasn't a good idea to let him see morning Bella. I should have let him keep the illusion that I was always chipper, but come on, when was I ever chipper?

Rose came over with Emmett and sat down without speaking. I finally realized she hadn't spoken all morning. I watched her as she ate silently. Alice came to the table with Jasper and said loudly, "I read that chapter about transcendental meditation. I need to find a mantra."

"How about this one," I suggested, "This is crap, this is crap, this is crap."

Alice rolled her eyes and looked at Jasper. "She's so clueless," she said and I laughed loudly.

Rose smiled softly and went back to her eating. "Are you okay?" I asked her.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Do you like teaching kids?" she asked me out of the blue.

My mouth fell open in surprise. She had never once asked me about my job. "Um…as opposed to animals?" I asked.

"I guess I meant do you like kids?"

"Some of them, some days," I responded.

She nodded and went back to her silent eating. At that moment Esme walked to the microphone. "Today is an especially wonderful morning," she said, and I turned to look out the window but didn't see anything spectacular.

"I have an announcement. I want to be the first to wish Edward and Bella congratulations on their engagement," she said.

I choked and Edward put his hand on my back lovingly. Rose and Alice both glared at me hatefully. The room erupted in applause and a collective mantra of, "Speech, speech."

Edward stood and I pulled him back down to the chair as everyone laughed. He took something from his pocket and held out a box for me. "I know it isn't a diamond, but it belonged to my grandmother and I would like you to have it."

Okay, there was no mention of the word marriage or engagement, so he wanted to give me a gift, that was all. I reached out for it and then remembered the word 'grandmother' and my hand pulled back. "It's a family heirloom," I said to remind him.

"Yes, and it is yours now," he said and placed it in my hand.

The room cheered again and I felt like I needed to make it worth their effort to clap, so I kissed him like we were sharing pancakes in our mouths. Then things got awkward. We sat next to each other silently, not sure what the hell just happened. Alice, as clever as always, asked, "Are you engaged?"

"Sure?" I replied, because I was so conditioned to lie.

I noticed Edward's head dropped and he smiled widely. I wanted to smack the grin off of his face, but I didn't know what it meant so I refrained. I looked down at the box and wasn't sure which finger to put the ring on. I opened the lid to sneak a peek and about pissed my pants.

The ring was huge, and covered in emeralds. So I had a huge green seaweed looking ring. It was hideous and I had to act like it was the most beautiful thing in the world. Luckily I was such a good liar. "Wow, it is so unique. I can't wait to wear it," I said and even fanned myself a bit.

"Put it on now," Edward said.

"I'm afraid I would lose it," I explained and Emmett saved me.

"We have cardio next so she should take it back to her room."

"Yes, I should," I agreed and quickly stood.

"I'll go with you," Edward said and took my hand in his. We kept being stopped every two feet as people wished us well. By the time we made it to the door I truly felt like an engaged woman.

We walked to my bungalow in silence and Edward was smiling the entire way. I finally turned to him and said, "Edward, we only have two weeks left."

"I know, I'll talk to Esme," he said and I felt a huge relief. I wasn't going to have to pretend to be engaged to a man I just wanted to bed. He would take Esme's wrath and I would be happily oblivious. The day was turning out pretty good after all.

I put the ring next to my Desitin, thinking it would keep anyone from stealing it, when actually just the sight of it would deter any would be thief. I headed to cardio as Edward headed to his session. Emmett's idea of cardio and mine were two different things. I wanted to sweat lightly to achieve a healthy glow. He wanted me panting and gasping for water.

I was considering heading into the jungle to find a poisonous plant just as class ended. Emmett handed out some towels but I was drenched. I walked over to Rose and said, "Let's go take a shower before we have our session with Edward."

She looked at me but obviously wasn't listening. "Bella, do you think I would be a good mother?"

"What is all this about? You can't be pregnant in one week," I said softly so Emmett wouldn't hear.

"Emmett said he wants a big family and I never considered having kids. It wasn't something I looked for in a marriage," she explained, and I laughed.

"Are you thinking of marrying Emmett?" I asked.

"No, but what if most men think about that? How many kids does Edward want?"

How the hell would I know how many kids he wanted, I was just keeping his family ring as a way to keep Esme off his back about sleeping with me? And I wasn't even sure that would get him to give it up.

"He doesn't feel any pressure to start a family right away," I lied, but it sounded like we had talked about it.

"How old is he?" she asked.

"Um…"

"You don't know?" she said, and covered her mouth to keep from squealing.

"Yes, I know, I just have to keep it quiet because he is a Pastor. It is something he isn't supposed to share."

I realized it wasn't Alice I was talking to, but Rose seemed to accept the lie just as easily. She nodded and looked at her watch. "We don't have time to shower, let's go."

We went into a room with chairs in a half circle and Edward standing before us. I smiled up at him and tried to imagine what it would be like if music kicked on and he began to strip. But Rosalie ruined my visual by asking, "Edward, how many kids do you want?"

I loathed her at the moment.

Edward looked a bit taken back by her question and his eyes moved right to me making it all the more awkward. The room was silent and he struggled to come up with an answer. "Well," he began. "I have a different perspective than most. I have religious issued to consider. Personally I don't believe in birth control."

_Done, finished, caput_, I thought loudly in my head.

If he thinks I'll spit out babies with only a seaweed ring he is delusional. My fake fiancé was getting the axe.

9

The session today was about thinking beyond yourself, but I couldn't do it. I kept thinking about having a baby year after year. I looked over at Alice and realized something in an instant, I wasn't really marrying Edward, and his revulsion to birth control didn't affect me in the slightest. He wouldn't know I faithfully took my pill every morning.

I relaxed and began to enjoy looking at his gorgeous face. He had a serene manner about him that made you feel totally at peace. Not even my blisters were itching as I listened to him talk about giving back to society.

When the hour was over and we had all committed to doing something to make a difference, I think that was what we committed to do, I rushed up to where he stood. "That was great," I said with a smile.

"I'm glad you were able to make it," he said, and leaned in to kiss my sweaty cheek.

"Can we go eat?" I asked, feeling the effects of only coffee for breakfast and a strenuous workout.

"Yes, Esme and Carlisle would like us to eat with them," he said.

"Why?"

"They want to know you better."

"Do they eat better food?" I asked in hope.

"Greasy burgers, I think," he said, just to torment me.

I decided to shower first and reapply some cream as Edward waited patiently in the other room. We went to the front office and then climbed a staircase to the upper floor and into a beautiful sitting area. Carlisle came over to shake my hand and asked if I was healing properly. I nodded and hoped he didn't want to see.

We sat down and I stared at the spread of food before us, seeing nothing greasy or even a hint of meat. I sadly loaded up on fruit again.

"I wanted to talk to you both about the arrangements," Esme said. "We can shut down for a few days and have all your friends and family here as free guests."

"For what?" I asked ignorantly.

"For the wedding," Esme said enthusiastically.

All my blisters just burst at once.

"That is very kind of you," Edward offered, and I kept waiting for him to add but, but he didn't.

I stuffed my mouth with cantaloupe so I wouldn't blurt out all the filthy words I was thinking. I had to calm down and think this through. Okay, in two weeks I would leave and then call Edward and tell him I went back to Jake. The plans couldn't be too far in progression and I wouldn't cost anyone money.

I finally smiled through my fear. "Of course with my father's job as police chief it will be awhile before we can actually have the wedding," I announced.

"I'm sure he would be willing to rearrange some things," Esme said. "You can marry here and everything would be free. That would go a long way to persuade him. "

My dad would flip at the chance to marry me off for free, and to a Minister to boot. But I had to focus on reality and in reality I only wanted to sleep with the minister, not spend my life with him. Yet, it wouldn't be too horrible of a sentence to be chained to Edward Masen. At least the little I knew of him was pleasant. But the fact he wanted to wear out my uterus was an issue. I was debating in my head as the others were discussing flowers and a menu. I finally jumped up and declared I was itching badly and needed to leave.

Edward followed me down the stairs and grabbed my arm as I tried to make a run for it. "Bella, are you okay?" he asked.

"No, I need my medication," I lied. In actuality my privates were numb with fear.

"I'll go with you," he said and I shook my head and pulled my arm away.

"I'd just jump you, you know, being engaged and all, I wouldn't be able to think clearly," I said, as I backed away and then ran. I made it to my bungalow and grabbed my suitcase and began packing quickly. I needed off this island as quickly as possible.

Alice and Rose arrived after lunch and saw my frantic packing. "What's going on?" Rose asked.

"I have to leave," I cried. "My mother is very sick."

"What's wrong with her?" Alice asked as she covered her mouth and prepared to cry.

"She got cactus needles in her ass. They aren't sure they can get them out," I said in a frenzy.

"That is a lie," Rose declared and crossed her arms in anger.

"Rose," I screamed, "She may never sit again. She'll be stuck in a bed for life. She needs me."

"Seriously?" she asked.

I caved. I was so distraught I couldn't lie. I fell onto my knees and began to cry. "Oh God, I'm engaged."

Alice rushed over to hold me and began to cry along with me. Rose only shook her head and said, "I thought you loved him."

"I don't even know him. I only want him to take a dip in my baptism font," I cried into Alice's hair.

Rose huffed loudly and got onto her knees to be level with me. "Don't make me slap you, Bella," she said harshly. "This guy is great. He is beyond great, he's perfect. You spent years with that loser Jake and now you have a shot at something wonderful. Grow up."

I raised my head, because I was so ready to take her on. Who was she to chastise me? She married Hugh Hefner's father…twice! Before I got a word out she kept talking. "Bella, these men are special. We can't blow this, none of us can."

"So what… we all stand on the beach and marry them because it may be our only chance?"

"Our guys haven't asked," Rose said with a furrow of her brow.

"Listen to what you're saying," I said with a bit of hysteria. "Edward is a Pastor, who used to be a priest, who couldn't keep his pants zipped and got hurt by women, and wants thirty children. And don't even mention his crazy ass mother."

"Listen to what you're saying," she said back to me forcefully. "You teach middle school which doesn't pay enough to take a trip to a Seattle beach let alone paradise. He's loyal and believes in, til death do you part. You lie so much it would take a pastor to deal with you, anyway."

"THIRTY KIDS," I yelled, and threw my hands into the air.

"After a couple get your tubes tied, let him pray for a miracle," she suggested.

"What about his mother?" I asked in a calmer voice.

"Do you see mommy around here anywhere?" she pointed out.

I did see her point. If Edward was living far from his mother she wasn't deciding his life for him at the moment. But that left one point that Rose had to admit was a huge obstacle. "The ring is ugly."

"It can't be that bad," she laughed, so I jumped up and ran and got it. I held it out for both of them to see and they gasped loudly.

"Oh God, it's awful," Alice said.

"I'm not punishing my uterus for this," I said adamantly. "I rather keep the poison ivy."

"Bella, you are such an amateur. Rings are easy to get, hell I'll give you one of mine," she relented.

"How did you get them, if you didn't sleep with your husbands?" I asked out of curiosity.

"I pretended to try to have sex with them, they could never last long enough or get hard enough," she said, as if talking about baking.

"Gross," Alice yelled, and covered her ears.

Yeah, I was with Alice on this one. Gross.

"Well, it got you here and possibly married to a wonderful man, so you should thank me," Rose said, to defend her lifestyle.

Had our lives really come to this, ready to pounce on the first acceptable men we met to spare us from the world of dating? We're we so afraid of being alone that we would make time our enemy? Unfortunately, the answer was yes.

"Okay, I'll stay," I agreed, and hoped they didn't realize I had not agreed to the marriage.

There was a soft knock on the door and we all jumped up off the floor and I shoved the ring in my pocket. Alice answered to find Edward standing there looking worried. She let him in and they both left. I smiled, kind of.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Peachy," I lied.

"I have a free afternoon and I thought it would be a good time to talk," he said hesitantly.

I didn't want to talk. So far he was getting everything he wanted and I was getting nothing. I walked over to circle my arms around him and placed my face on his chest. "I can think of something better," I said softly.

"She was a nun," he said softly.

My head snapped up and I looked at his sad face. "Who was a nun?"

_Please say mother, please say mother._

"The woman I fell in love with," he said with remorse.

Damn it! I could picture her, all perfect with her sexy habit, maybe not sexy, but alluring enough to catch his attention.

"I fell in love with a Native American," I blurted out, as if we were having a contest. Did another race trump a bride of Christ?

"I ruined everything for her and she decided she didn't want me. I won't ruin things for you Bella, I just can't."

I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Ruin what? I didn't have my virginity to steal so exactly what would he be ruining? I shrugged and asked, "Ruin what?"

"I'm here on this island because I am ashamed of the choices I've made in my life. I came here with a woman as her toy. Esme saved my soul by keeping me here. I don't deserve you," he said and he wouldn't look at me anymore.

"Edward," I said with a laugh, "Are you kidding me? I'm less than innocent, I mean, not even close to innocent, like the furthest thing from innocent you can get without making men pay. Actually Jake did pay a couple of times, but I was short on rent money and…."

"Bella," he interrupted.

"Yeah?"

"Don't confess to me, please," he said with a look of torture on his face. I wasn't sure if he was talking about the things I was saying, or the fact he didn't want to be my spiritual advisor right now, but I stopped confessing.

"Everyone has made a wrong choice or two; it is the only thing that makes us interesting. Just think how boring my trip would have been if I hadn't chosen that exact leaf?"

He rubbed his face with his hand and chuckled a bit. "Um…I think it would have been a bit more interesting for me if you hadn't."

"Really?" I asked, because if he would have climbed in my bed if I was blister free I was going to burn the damn jungle down.

He didn't answer and took a deep breath. "So, you teach," he said, confusing me completely.

"Yeah, but it is really just babysitting, I mean, who actually uses algebra?"

"I'm sure Jasper would disagree," he laughed.

"He's kind of an ass," I observed and Edward laughed harder.

"I love the man," he said, causing me to pull out of his arms. "He's my best friend."

I was relieved to hear Edward had only switched religions, not teams. Because Jasper was pretty, but I'm pretty sure a gay guy would want Emmett more.

"My family is…a lot," he finally admitted.

"Yeah, I kind of got that," I said, as I rolled my eyes behind his back.

"I think what you do is very noble, very impressive," he stammered, and I realized mommy and daddy Masen wouldn't think so.

"Would it help if they were handicapped kids?" I asked, because there were a couple of kids in my class that I wasn't quite sure were normal. I also wanted to point out his employment history was nothing to write home about.

"I'm not complaining, I just want you to know what you are getting yourself into," he explained, but he hadn't actually explained anything.

I was done with the talking part of the day, since I had no real intentions of actually getting married. I took hold of his hand and walked into my room. The drapes were still closed and the room was semi dark. I climbed onto my bed and pulled him down with me.

He was cautious and laid stiffly over half of my body. I kissed him softly up his neck and to his ear before running my tongue along the outer rim. He lost his religion and came to life.

I felt gloriously evil.


	4. Chapter 10 thru 12

10

Spending the afternoon in bed with Edward was like trying to fly a kite in a wind storm. He was wild and hot, and then would calm things down to a standstill. My poor privates were so confused I was about to cry. Maybe this was a form of religious sex and I didn't know it?

I finally sat up as I tried to catch my breath. "Are we just messing around all day?"

"I think this is more than messing around," he said.

"No, I know the difference," I informed him. "You haven't even touched flesh and whenever I try to touch flesh you pull away. We need flesh touching for this to be more than just messing around."

"Then marry me right now," he begged.

What the F? He seriously wouldn't even have sex with his pretend fiancé? I accepted his ugly ring; the least he could do is accept my ugly offering.

"Bella this is complicated," he sighed, and I shook my head in disagreement. I had done this lots of times, and there was nothing complicated about it. At that moment Alice and Jasper came to our bungalow and I lost all hope of screaming his name in passion.

Edward got up and went into the other room to speak to his friend, or to prove he was still clothed, I'm not sure which. Alice looked in to see me lying in bed with a red mouth and a dressed body. "We got a canoe, do you want to come with us?" she asked.

Who in the world would think canoeing was preferable to making out? I guess Edward did, since he accepted the offer for both of us. I decided to look at my plan from another angle. Maybe an island divorce would be easy and quick!

Jasper talked to us about the dynamics of rowing successfully, but I stopped listening when he said the words, dynamics of rowing successfully. I concentrated on my own issue. I knew you had three days to change your mind when you bought something expensive like a car, maybe marriage worked the same way.

I glanced back at Edward rowing with all his might and said, "Hey, do you ever help people with divorces?"

"I don't believe in divorce," he said to plummet my hopes. He was sure picky on what he believed and didn't believe in, and quite frankly it was boxing me into a corner. I was going to end up married with ten kids and living with my horrid mother-in-law if I wasn't careful.

"I think marriage is a mathematical equation," Jasper said. "You need to have the right numbers and you have to show your work to make it count. It starts out as simple addition but it moves into complicated algorithms that keep you on your toes to make it work."

"You are so right," Alice said, and I flipped her off.

"Math has nothing to do with marriage," I said as I smirked at Jasper. "Math is absolute; marriage is a 50-50 outcome."

"Marriage is sanctioned by God," Edward inserted, making my argument moot.

We rowed in silence as I tried to come up with an acceptable argument. The problem with arguing with a Pastor is they pulled the God card every time. I suddenly thought of a different road to travel down. "Okay, what if you marry the wrong person, or they die, like Rose's husbands?"

"Rosalie's marriages achieved what she wanted to achieve," Alice pontificated. "Other people want a forever union, bound together by religious doctrine."

"Alice," I said in frustration, because she sure picked a hell of a time to become smarter. "Are you talking from your own heart or trying to hurt mine?"

"Hurt yours?" Edward asked in shock.

I was trapped on a small wooden boat and would have to jump into the ocean to get out of this conversation. "I didn't mean mine," I lied. "I meant to say Rose's."

This was getting ridiculous and I didn't know how to back my way out. Now I couldn't even plan to divorce my fake fiancé whom I would be forced to marry and become breading stock. I decided to remain quiet so I didn't get in any deeper.

Edward was quiet too, but Jasper began teaching Alice the different constellations. He's such an ass.

We finished the odd double date and made our way back to shore. Rose and Emmett were lying on a blanket talking softly to each other. It was touching, without them touching. Alice and Jasper wandered off in another direction and I headed with Edward to find something to eat.

We made a plate and sat silently at a table. I felt like I needed to say something, give him a glimpse at my life so he could understand me better so I sighed and said, "I dated Jake because he had great abs."

"Excuse me?" he said and leaned closer.

"He looked good without a shirt, I didn't like actually talking to him," I admitted. "I would have ended it as soon as he got a gut."

"Are you still seeing him?" Edward asked. I realized we hadn't officially broken up, because hey, he still had his abs.

"Maybe," I said, as I tried to think back. "But like I said, I don't really like him."

Edward looked stunned, much worse than when he saw my legs open in front of a fan. I always hated this part of the relationship. When you find out the person isn't who you think they are, because they are never the person who you think they are. It made me think about what Edward could be hiding.

"Well, have a good night," he said and stood to leave.

I motioned with my hand to tell him goodbye as I remained in deep thought. He most likely was trying to prove something to me by leaving, but I didn't care. If he wasn't going to get naked, I wasn't going to make him stay. I thought about who Bella Swan really was and if she was someone Edward could ever really love. I was cynical, sarcastic, horny, sacrilege and not good with parents. What about me could he possibly want to marry?

Esme saw me sitting alone and came over to the table. "How are you?" she asked, like she was queen of the manor.

"How long have you been married?" I asked her rudely.

"Fifteen years. I married Carlisle when I was only twenty," she said fondly.

"And then you moved here?" I asked further.

"No, we've been here about five years. Why?"

"Do you ever regret marrying him?"

She smiled and reached out to take my hand. "I can assure you Edward is an amazing man. Don't let doubts ruin things for you."

"But how do you know? He came here with some rich woman and then stayed with you and Carlisle. Maybe she would have left her husband for him and they could have been happy together."

Esme's eyes grew wet and she whispered softly, "Edward came here with me and I talked him into staying."

"You were in his parish?" I asked, and she nodded.

"We were both in horrible situations. This island fixed it all for us."

"You and Carlisle, or you and Edward?" I asked for clarification.

She bit on her lip to keep from saying something that she wanted desperately to say…something I wanted her desperately to say. She dropped a major bomb on me and I needed her to clear up a few lose ends.

"I better go," she said and I reached out and grabbed onto her arm.

"Wait, you have to explain things to me," I demanded.

"Talk to Edward, and Bella, trust in him," she advised and then walked away.

I didn't go to Edward, since I had no idea where his room was. I went back to my room and lay on my bed to think. This was crazy to be confused over a guy I had met just over a week ago. It takes people years to figure out they don't belong together, but he was only giving me a few days.

I got the ring and looked at it again in its box. It could be pretty if you had on something to calm it down a bit, like a prom dress. I took it from the box and slipped it on my finger. I help up my hand and one of the stones fell out.

I searched around on the carpet and when I stepped on something I heard a crunch. I looked under my foot to see a pile of tiny green powder. I looked back at the ring and took it off to look closer. Inside was an inscription…made in China.

I threw the ring as hard as I could at the wall and it shattered into several pieces. Edward Masen was a liar. He was pawning off a cheap ring and trying to make me marry him. I wasn't being celibate for an inexpensive knock off ring.

I marched down to the beach where Rose and Emmett were still lying and walked up to their blanket. "Where's the preacher?" I demanded.

"Isn't he with you?" Emmett asked.

"Why would he be with me? I have a vagina and those scare him. Where's his room?"

"Oh..um…" Emmett sat up and looked around like someone would come running up to save him. I had asked a simple question. The resort wasn't that big, he had to be around here somewhere.

"Just point and I'll figure it out," I said to solve his dilemma.

"Why don't you come to my room and I'll get him for you?" he suggested.

I nodded in agreement but also planned to make Edward show me his room. I hoped he wasn't sleeping in the jungle as he paid penitence for something that involved Esme. But if he was, I planned to move him in with me immediately and demand he pay me with some holy loving.

I followed Emmett to his room and Rose waited with me while he got Edward. The room was small but neatly kept. She snooped through his dresser drawers and his small desk but found nothing incriminating.

Edward walked in with a stern face, either upset with me for looking for him, or certain I was ending our engagement. Emmett and Rose left and I looked at Edward and held up my hand. "I need another ring, love," I said hatefully.

"I'll get you a diamond when I can," he said shamefully.

"I want to see your room," I demanded.

"You can't. Women are not allowed in there."

I stared at him in disbelief. He was picking and choosing which rules to follow and it angered me. "But I'm your fiancé," I said cynically.

"I would lose credibility if someone saw you enter my room," he said.

"But it is fine if they see you leaving mine?" I asked.

"I counsel people all the time," he began but I interrupted him.

"With your tongue down their throats?"

He groaned and arched his back in frustration and I wasn't about to let him off easy. "Why did you lie about the ring? It didn't belong to your grandmother; it belonged to a gumball machine."

He thought for a moment and then his shoulders slumped. He finally looked at me and said painfully, "I wanted to see if you were greedy."

My brain thought, Bfphlt. I couldn't even form coherent words. Of course I was greedy, but not for his jewelry, for his body. I didn't know what to say so I walked out. I was mad, and confused, and a bit insulted, but I was also clear enough to do a little detective work.

I jumped off the trial and hid in the thick undergrowth as I waited for him to leave Emmett's room. Then I followed him through the maze of bungalows, hiding each time he stopped to talk with someone. He finally made his way off the trail and into an area I had never seen before.

I followed after he disappeared and made my way around a bend to where a huge, and I mean humongous, house sat all by itself. If this was where the pastor lived, he was dipping into the collection plate!

I snuck up to the large bay window and looked inside. I was shocked at what I saw.

11

Edward was standing by a fireplace with his head resting on the mantel in frustration. But my eyes were drawn to the painting above the fireplace. It was a huge portrait of a beautiful woman in a nun's habit. He had a painting of his freaking nun. Not actually his nun, but his nun love, the love who didn't want him when he left the Priesthood.

He wanted to know if I was greedy and he was staring up at mother gorgeous every day. I wasn't wasting another moment on the uptight Edward Masen. I had most likely lost out on other opportunities while trying to bed a pastor.

I marched back to my bungalow and searched the entire place for hidden candy. I even looked through Alice and Rosalie's suitcases. After finding nothing I headed to the food hut and demanded sugar packets. I downed them all as fast as I could.

Carlisle saw what I was doing and came over to save me from a coma. "Bella, is everything okay?" he asked.

"How can you hurt someone really badly without killing them?" I asked.

He looked around nervously as if I was talking about hurting him and then said, "Do you want to talk about it?"

I thought for a moment, because the sugar was pretty much rushing through my veins. "No, I don't want to talk about it. I want to hurt him. Hey, will you hold him down while I put poison ivy on his blessed place?"

"Are we talking about Edward?" he asked.

"Oh, is that his name? Are you sure it isn't Judas?"

Carlisle laughed at me and it was not a good time to find humor in my words. I was ready to maim Edward and I would be fine with collateral damages.

"Engagements are stressful," he said stupidly.

"We are not engaged," I yelled. "I wouldn't marry him if he was the last preacher who didn't believe in birth control and divorce. Did you know he gave me a fake ring?"

"Edward has other things he needs to consider," Carlisle said, but I wasn't listening.

"Do you want to know why he gave me a fake ring? To see if I was greedy," I answered without letting him guess. "Who does that? I gave my heart and soul to him and he played me like a child."

I was aware I was lying. I hadn't given anything to him, I was only trying to take and he wasn't giving.

"Edward has a reason to test people. He can't trust easily," Carlisle said and I saw how he was trying to keep from telling me something.

Luckily, I was an intelligent woman and I could figure things out for myself. Edward was testing me to see if I would call uncle and give in. He wouldn't marry a girl he just met as much as I wouldn't marry a guy I just met. I came on strong with the sex thing and he was teaching me a lesson. Well, I would be the one to teach him a lesson.

I smiled evilly and gave Carlisle a big hug. "Thank you so much for explaining everything to me. I overreacted and I'm over it. I'm just so in love and it's hard to think straight."

He nodded and I ran from the room on a sugar high. It was dark and everyone was gathering on the beach for affirmations. Someone would stand and state something they knew to be true. I kept looking around for Edward and was shocked when he stood from the far side of the group.

"I know there is a higher power that rules my life and it is my desire to live up to my potential," he said and everyone clapped.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, his higher power was a painting he worshiped. I stood and looked directly at him as I wiped a fake tear. "I know one man holds my heart and it is my desire to love him forever."

Everyone cheered loudly and Edward smiled softly as he walked toward me. I mentally checked for itching and found things oddly normal so I ran and jumped into his arms as I wrapped my legs around his waist.

"I'm sorry," I lied, because I wasn't sorry at all. I was still pissed as hell and wanted to choke him with her habit.

"It was all a misunderstanding," he said, and kissed me softly.

"I don't think we should wait, Edward. I think we should marry as soon as possible."

I watched closely for his reaction. He smiled but his eyes darted to the side as if searching for a lifeline. I was sure he would cave but he said, "That's a great idea."

Oh man, he was a first rate competitor and I had to give him props. "Can your parents come right away? I'm anxious to meet your mother," I added for an extra dig.

He swallowed and said, "I'm sure they can. I'll call them."

I slid down from his body and we stared at each other, hoping one of us would stop this farce before it got out of hand. I wasn't about to call his bluff and I was going to teach him a lesson even if I had to marry him to do it.

I blew him a kiss and said, "I'm tired, I'm going to bed. Love ya."

"I'll walk you to your bungalow," he offered, and headed off behind me.

I didn't stop at my door, I entered and pulled my shirt off and began taking off my shorts. He stayed by the door so I turned my back to him and asked, "Can you unhook me?"

When his hands reached out to touch my bra strap I moaned loudly, causing his hands to pull back. "I better go," he said, with tension in his voice.

"Ah, really? That sucks," I said with a pouty tone.

"Get some sleep and we'll work on wedding plans tomorrow," he said, and kissed my shoulder before walking out the door.

"Kiss my…."

He stuck his head back in the door and said, "What?"

"I said one more kiss please," I smiled, and leaned so he could kiss me one last time.

Edward was just as stubborn as I was and if he wouldn't end this I would make sure his mother would. I was going to be the most annoying, uncouth, obnoxious bride on the planet, and I had seen enough reality shows to know how to do it, too.

The next morning I told Rose and Alice they needed to help me with wedding plans. The first thing I did was hand Rose my birth control and asked her to have Emmett give it to Edward. That would scare the lies out of him.

"Are you going to have your parents come?" Alice asked me.

"No, my mom has cactus needles in her butt and my father would kill both me and Edward," I said, because I needed Alice to focus on other more important things. "I want you and Rose to wear bikinis as my bridesmaids."

"Awesome," Rose squealed, because she had the perfect body for it. Alice seemed less convinced.

"What about a ring for Edward?" she asked.

I looked around the room and saw a small gold circle of metal attached to my luggage so I walked over and ripped it off. "Okay, the ring is solved."

They both looked at me like I had lost my mind so I lied and said, "When I go home to pack up my condo I'll get him a real ring."

"Are you moving here to live?" Alice asked.

I thought about the huge home becoming mine and realized things could be a lot worse. I could have a bonfire and we would roast hotdogs as the nun burned in effigy. "Yeah, we're living here."

I actually had no idea where Edward would want to live, because we weren't discussing real issues. We were both certain the other person would fold so details were sparse.

"Can we come visit you all the time?" she asked, as tears formed in her eyes.

"Sure, you can live with us if you want," I offered.

"If Emmett doesn't step it up I may take you up on it," Rose said angrily.

"You're just used to the old guys making fast decisions, Emmett doesn't feel rushed by the possibility of death," I explained to her.

She nodded and didn't say anything else about Emmett, most likely hoping the bikini gawking as she walked down the aisle would spur him along. We decided they would were lei's instead of carrying bouquets and each girl would have a wreath of flowers in her hair. It was tacky and gaudy, just the way I wanted it.

We missed meditation hour and turned up just in time for breakfast. I got my coffee and hard toast and made my way to where Edward was sitting. Our eyes locked and we both smiled disingenuously. I had to admit he was so handsome, much too handsome to be celibate, if he would only give it up and let this all end!

"Good morning," he said and kissed my cheek. It was a nice cavalier move.

"Good morning to you, gorgeous," I said, and proceeded to kiss him openly and wetly until he had to push me away.

"My parent will be here on Monday, did you call yours?"

I noticed how closely he was watching me for a reaction. "Yes, but unfortunately they can't make it. They both said to bring you to meet them as soon as possible."

"Are you okay with proceeding? I'll understand if you want to delay things."

"I'm fine if you are okay with proceeding," I said to offer him an out.

"I'm counting the moments," he said and kissed my hand.

What a lying sack of shit he was. For a man who didn't believe in a lot of things he sure would go to the extreme to win.

"I asked Rose and Alice to be my bridesmaids. They are both so excited," I announced. "I'll ask Esme to be my maid of honor, if it is okay with you?"

I wanted him to tell me exactly how he was Esme's toy when he came here, but he kept his sanctimonious face blank.

"Are you coming to my morning session?" he asked, and I nodded and tried to swoon a little. I could pull off the star struck girlfriend, even though I knew what dirt bags men really were.

We walked together to the meeting room and I sat close to the front. He stood in his guru jammies and looked absolutely delicious. I glanced around the room and noticed how every woman had her eyes glued directly on him. I got a bit jealous, I mean, he was my fake fiancé, not theirs.

I rubbed my eye and walked up to where Edward stood as people continued to file in. "Do I have something in my eye?" I asked.

He took my head in his hands and leaned it back as he moved in closely to look at my eye. I let my body lean into his, rubbing in the most fortuitous place.

"Bella, your eye is fine," he said in just a whisper.

"I know, but other parts of me weren't. Now they are, thanks."

He kept my head in his hands and looked right at me as I smiled. "You are so beautiful," he said with just a breath.

I lost my composure and felt he was talking from his heart. I buckled because he was so handsome and so sweet and forgot the game for a moment. I stared at his mouth and then made my way up to his eyes. "I love you," I whispered, and felt my stomach fall into my pelvis. Holy crap! I didn't mean to say that and quickly recovered to jump back into the game. "You have a great butt," I declared.

He chuckled and said, "Go sit your great butt down so I can start this session."

I could feel my hands shaking so I sat on them for a few moments to steady myself. Edward greeted everyone and began. He talked about finding your center. I found mine alright, with a leaf covered in poisonous oils.

He walked back and forth in front of the room as we held a lively discussion. His legs were really long and his shoulders were wide. He would look great in a tux…if we were having a real wedding. And I could just imagine the wedding night. We would most likely destroy a bed with the wild sex that would be unleashed.

I sat up straighter and took a deep breath. I had to stop thinking about that and concentrate on plans that would guarantee he would call it quits.

12

We were making wedding plans, down to the most intimate details. Edward stepped up his game by being so much more affectionate. He would place his arm around my shoulder or let his hand rest lightly on the small of my back. He opened all the doors and offered his hand to help me up from meditation. It was real shitty of him.

The night before his parents arrived I was walking back to my bungalow with a fist full of sugar packets when I saw a group playing with a balloon launcher. I watched as they pulled the thick band back and placed a water balloon in the fold. Someone would run and the balloon would be sent flying into the air as they tried to catch it.

I had a great idea and asked the group if I could use it when they finished. An hour later I was hiding in the thick jungle and working on my plan.

The next morning I didn't go to meditation or breakfast, telling Edward I was too nervous about meeting his parents. I was going to wait in Esme's sitting area until he brought them to meet me. I actually snuck out to the thick brush and waited for their small plane to arrive.

His father exited first, looking like an older version of Edward. My heart was pounding furiously as I watched them hug each other. Next came his mother. Holy mother of Edward! She had on a light pink business suit and her hair was pulled into a French twist. She stood so straight I wondered if her spine had been fused. She gave Edward a one arm hug and then pulled away from him. She was the definition of uptight and I knew she was going to ask me for blood and urine samples.

I waited until they walked closer to the edge of the tarmac and when Mrs. Masen stood on the exact spot I needed her, I let go of the balloon launcher. I didn't wait to see if it hit its mark. I took off running as fast as I could to make my way back to the waiting area.

I sat and tried to calm my racing heart as I waited for Edward and his parents to arrive. Carlisle walked in first looking very upset. He was followed by Esme with her arm around Edward's drenched mother. I thought I saw evidence of a tiny smirk on his father's face, but I wasn't sure.

"What happened?" I asked innocently.

"I'm afraid a stray water balloon hit my mother," Edward said with a tight jaw.

She was reacting as if it was filled with vodka and not just water. Her hands were held outward and her mouth hung open in shock. Carlisle brought her a large towel and wrapped it around her shoulders before helping her to sit.

"It will dry quickly," I pointed out and everyone looked at me. "I mean, it's just water. I bet you are dying to don your bikini and hit the surf."

"And who exactly are you?" the drowned rat asked with her nose in the air.

"I'm your new daughter," I answered with a big smile, "Hi mommy."

Edward rushed over to pull me to him and spoke up quickly. "Bella, these are my parents, Elizabeth and Edward senior."

"Double E, cool," I announced, as they both stared at me.

Elizabeth's mascara was beginning to run down her sullen face and it looked like something from the Walking Dead. I tried not to laugh and turned my attention to Edward senior; who seemed much more laid back.

"How did you miss the water bomb?" I asked with a smile.

"Just lucky I guess," he answered and finally smiled in earnest. I was certain he had wanted to let lose ever since his wife took it to the head, so his smile was extra prominent. I really liked the guy.

"I would like to see your planning book," Elizabeth said, making me want to soak her again. I didn't have a freaking planning book; I didn't plan on really getting married.

"I'm afraid everything is in my head," I said to shock her.

"I can show you the flowers and cake she has ordered," Esme offered, and grabbed some papers off her desk. Elizabeth looked at the leis and the cake that looked like Dr. Seuss created it and her face paled.

Her eyes looked at me and then at her son. "Are you kidding?" she asked, without a hit of humor.

"I'm letting Bella have whatever she wants," he said a bit forcefully, and it got me a little hot.

"You have a reputation to maintain," his mother yelled. Oh, he was maintaining it all right. He was the unbedable Pastor Masen.

I managed to produce a tear by sticking my longest fingernail into the soft flesh behind my knee and looked at Edward. "I love the plans I have; it is just the way I want my wedding to be."

"And I can assure you nothing will be changed," he promised, and wiped my tear away.

Eat that mommy dearest! I smiled at her in triumph and she leaned forward, looking like a raccoon and said very adamantly. "You will not embarrass the Masen name with this spectacle."

Spectacle? She hadn't even heard the spectacle worthy parts of the plan yet. She didn't know the bridesmaids were going to be in bikinis and the groomsmen in board shorts with oiled chests. Or that I was wearing a veil…on the back of my thong bikini bottom. She should be pretty darn happy with the cake and the flowers because those were the tamest part.

"Look," I said as my anger rose, "Edward is an adult and he can have whatever kind of wedding he wants. He knows what his reputation is and I would never embarrass him."

Wait, what was I saying? I planned to humiliate him, not simply embarrass him. I looked over to see him looking at me lovingly. He ran his fingers through my hair and said, "Thank you, love."

I wished he would stop using that phrase, because it did funny things to my heartbeat when he did.

"Are you wearing your officiating robes?" his mother asked him.

"No, I'm not officiating," he replied.

I laughed a little and everyone turned to look at me. It was bad enough I was fake marrying a Pastor, but if I had to walk down the aisle to a man in robes I would tip over from laughter. "I think I want to see him as my groom, not as my Pastor," I admitted.

"I came all this way to see my son marry," she said looking right at me. "I believe our wishes should have some say in the matter."

I simply shrugged and said, "Then go home."

Her eyes narrowed and she looked at her husband and then at her son before saying, "Edward, I demand you come home with us at once. You are making a huge mistake."

Yeah he was, but not for the reasons she believed he was. I was a great catch. I had an education, I was independent, adventurous, and good in bed I have been told. I didn't like her saying I was his mistake, when obviously it was the nuns fault.

"Mother, I am twenty-nine and fully capable of knowing who to love," he responded.

I turned to look at him. "Twenty-nine, hum, I would have guessed younger."

He smiled an adorable smile and said, "Well, almost twenty-nine."

Damn him! Now I needed to find a proper dress because if I was going to end up walking down the aisle before one of us called the bluff, I wanted to look pretty for him. I planned on talking to Esme to see if she had any connections on the mainland. I wasn't sure I would go with white, but maybe it would be damaging to Edward's rep if I didn't. Fake weddings were so stressful.

Esme grabbed her camera and told us she needed a picture for the special napkins she was having printed. Edward pulled me to my feet and placed me in front of him as he leaned his head next to mine. We both smiled as if we were a real engaged couple and she took the picture. Edward turned his face to speak into my ear. "In three days I get to have all of you."

He stepped away from me and I was left quivering by myself in the middle of the room. I hated him, and I loved him, and I wanted to win this stupid game, so I said, "I feel awful for breaking the ring."

"What ring?" Elizabeth said quickly, and looked at Edward for a response.

"I have a session to run, so if you'll all excuse me," Edward said and left the room. He was such a rat.

"What ring did Edward give you?" Elizabeth demanded.

"A gumball machine ring, he's a poor Pastor after all," I answered and she seemed to relax.

I sat back down, feeling a bit lost without Edward there at my side and Elizabeth began to grill me. "Are you Catholic?" she asked.

"Edward's not," I pointed out.

"In his heart he still carries our beliefs," she said to correct me.

"Um…I don't think he does," I laughed. "A wedding pretty much takes him off the team."

"He was…corrupted," she said with embarrassment.

"Well, you know how wily nuns can be," I said.

I wasn't the one corrupting her chosen one; it was done by her people, not mine. Esme jumped up and excused herself before Elizabeth looked at me with shock. "Are you stupid?" she asked. "That was very cruel."

I was confused and felt like I missed something. Maybe they didn't know about the nun and her huge portrait hanging over Edward's fireplace. "I'm sorry," I said, and not sure why. I stood and said I had an appointment with my bridesmaids and left the room.

I rushed to tell Rose and Alice all about what happened, although I left out the water balloon part. Since they were both involved with Edward's friends I wasn't so sure of their loyalty anymore. I also brought up the subject of a dress. Rose looked through her clothes but nothing was the right style, or fit.

"Maybe you two should wear sun dresses, Elizabeth seems very conservative," I admitted.

Alice screamed and jumped up and down. "I told you," she yelled to Rose.

What? Alice knew something before anyone else? Rose smiled and said, "I thought all of this was fake and you were putting us on. Alice said if you asked us to wear dresses it meant it was real."

Well, Alice wasn't as bright as she thought she was, because it was still all fake, just a higher class of fake.

I didn't see Edward's parents for the rest of the day and was sure he had them hidden out in his huge home. I found Esme and asked her about finding a dress. She told me to wait in her office and she would be there in a few minutes. I waited for over half an hour for her to return. She was carrying the most beautiful ivory gown. It was simple, without a train and made of light gossamer material. I reached out and let my hand float through the fabric.

"Where did you get this?" I asked.

"We have weddings here all the time. I keep a few dresses on hand." She put the dress against my body and stood back a bit to look at it. "Yes, this one would be perfect."

I felt a lump in my throat and I suddenly wanted my mother here to see me and my father to walk me down the aisle. I took several minutes to compose myself and remember I wasn't getting married to an amazing man. I was pulling one over on a Priest.

"Thank you," I managed to say and took the dress back to my room. I waited until I was certain Alice and Rose were gone and tried it on. It fit like it had been made for me and I began to cry. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let Edward win.

I hung up the dress and headed out to find him and call off the charade.


	5. Chapter 13 thru 15

13

I searched for Edward for almost an hour before I found him sitting alone down shore from the beach. His arms were stretched over his knees and his head was resting on them. Just his posture seemed sad and defeated. I walked up and when I got close he raised his head and looked at me.

"Hello, love," he said softly.

I smiled and sat down next to him. "Are you communing with your God?" I asked.

He took hold of my hand and shook his head. "I'm just thinking," he admitted.

"About what?" I asked.

"The universe was created from chaos," he began and I looked up at the night sky. I wasn't sure if he was relating me to chaos or if he was just speculating. "So many things are beyond our understanding."

"Don't tell Jasper," I teased. "He thinks he knows it all."

"Sometime I believe he does," Edward laughed.

I sat quietly for a few moments and when he didn't speak again I decided to start the difficult conversation. "Edward, tell me about the nun."

His head fell again and I almost told him to forget it, but I stayed quiet because I was extremely curious.

"We worked together at a hospital in Chicago. She was a nurse and I was a counselor. We were both so young and I was physically attracted to her. I fell in love and it spiraled out of control." He turned to look directly at me and smiled. "Or I should say I thought I was in love. I'm not so sure anymore."

I wanted to tell him if you keep a huge painting over your fireplace you are absolutely in love, but since she was the other woman I kind of wanted to tell him it was all an illusion.

"I left the Priesthood and thought she would follow, but she didn't. She went to the convent where she took her vows and shot herself."

"Oh my God," I mumbled and my hand rose to my mouth.

"I was a mess," he admitted, "Until Esme saved me."

"How did she save you?" I asked, wondering if he would tell me their story.

"I was hell bent on self destruction and Esme came to me and offered to take me away. She told me we would make our own rules on our own island. It was just her way to get me here. She was staging an intervention and I was glued back together by her and Carlisle."

"She was in your parish?" I asked, slightly confused.

"Yes, and she was Jane's sister."

"Jane?" I asked.

"The nun."

My head was spinning faster than a whirlpool. Esme seemed particularly happy Edward was marrying and didn't appear to blame him for her sister's suicide. They saved him instead of condemning him. He cleared his throat and said, "Bella, I'll understand if you want to cancel the wedding."

It was right there, an out for me to grasp. I could be shocked by his past and refuse to get involved with him as he pines over a lost love. But the words were stuck in my throat. I finally managed to say, "Do you want to cancel it?"

"I asked you," he pointed out.

"Yeah, and I'm asking you," I explained.

"Just say the word and I'll explain things to my parent and to the Cullens," he offered.

"You say the word," I tossed back at him, because now it was on. I wasn't a quitter and I was going to make him be the one to say it.

"I think we should continue on," he said as a challenge.

"Then we continue on," I agreed, and felt a bit nauseous.

What in the hell was wrong with me? I would instantly yell at one of my students for acting this way and tell them to be the bigger person, but for some reason I refused to admit defeat to Edward. He was the one with all the strict rules and it would be him who would be forced to bring an end to this.

He finally wanted a few questions answered himself. "So, tell me about Jake," he said while playing in the sand with his finger.

"Well, he is like an old shoe. He's comfortable, but I want something much better to wear in public. I've known him for years, his father is a friend of my dad's."

"Does he love you?"

I shrugged, because I really didn't know. "Do you love an old shoe or is it just familiar?"

"What would he say about me?" he asked.

I wasn't sure how to answer that question, since I never had a fake fiancé before. He would respect my effort at trying to get Edward into bed and also respect Edward for pushing the engagement to make me back off. I wanted to tell him to Jake would want him to lose, but I'm not admitting I am aware of the sick game we were playing.

"Jake wouldn't come after you or anything," I said. "The pastor thing would freak him a little, but what religious relic isn't a bit freaky."

"Relic?" he laughed.

"Yeah, you're almost twenty-nine," I reminded him.

A random staff member came running up and told Edward his mother was looking for him. I wished I had more balloons. It was nice talking so openly with him and I didn't want it to end. Edward looked at me for a moment and then bumped my shoulder with his before asking, "Do you want to come with me?"

I refrained from saying, "Hell NO." I simply smiled and said, "I have some plans to take care of. Tell her I said hello."

He stood and helped me up before pulling me in for a kiss. This time it deepened slowly, and neither one of us pulled away. It was a kiss with feeling, not sensuous or needy, but almost loving. We walked back to the bungalows together and then parted as I headed back to mine.

I found Alice and Rose working on different hairstyles for the wedding. They showed me the dresses they chose to wear and I showed them the dress I got from Esme. I was feeling like a bride and it scared me a bit.

I woke up the next morning to the smell of flowers and something soft running across my face. I opened my eyes to see Edward sitting on the edge of my bed with a single rose in his hand. I stretched and said, "Take off your clothes and climb in with me."

"In 35 hours I'll take you up on that," he said, to remind me he wasn't going to budge.

I groaned and he smiled at me. "Hey, get dressed and I'll get you some breakfast. I have a big surprise for you."

"Does it involve you getting naked?" I asked hopefully.

He laughed, because he was a prick, and set the flower across my chest before walking out. I took a shower and took the time to flat iron my hair. I came out to the main area and he was waiting with coffee and toast.

"So what is my big surprise," I asked.

"You'll see," he smiled and raised the toast to feed me. He kept looking at the time on his phone and I grew very curious to see his surprise.

"I'm done," I said and downed the coffee.

He pulled a blindfold from his pocket and covered my eyes. I held onto him tightly as he led me to a golf cart and then inside a building. I was excited and had a huge smile on my face. Until he removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise."

I was staring at the faces of my mother, Renee, and my father, Charlie. I gasped loudly and spun around to look at Edward with pure hatred. He crossed a line and I would happily castrate him for it.

"Bella," my mother cried. "Edward was kind enough to bring us here. We just couldn't miss your wedding."

"Edward is too kind," I said through gritted teeth, as they hugged and kissed me.

Edward smiled knowingly, pulling the trump card and placing me in a weakened position. How could I let my father walk me down the aisle for a fake wedding? He knew this would cause me to fold.

But Bella Swan is one tough cookie, and with enough time to prepare I could put my parents through hell. I would remember the haircut my mother gave me that rendered me a freak for all of third grade. Or when my father made me sit thought the birds and bees talk the summer before college, as if I hadn't already had sex by then.

"Mom, wait until you see my dress, it is to die for," I announced, leaving out the part where it would most likely be Edward dying.

"I got you a little something for the honeymoon," my mother said and raised her eyebrows up and down.

At that point the Masen's walked in. Edward introduced my parents to his and my mother immediately stuck her foot in her mouth. "We'll be grandmas together," she squealed to Elizabeth, "And knowing Bella she may already be pregnant."

Mrs. Masen turned pure white and then a furious shade of red. "I doubt my Priest son has lost his mind entirely."

"Pastor, mother, not a Priest," he corrected her.

My father was about to bust a gut with glee but my mom looked at me in shock. "You're marrying a Pastor?"

I wanted to scream that no, I wasn't marrying him, if I could just get him to call everything off and admit he was pretending to be engaged to force me to back off with the physical stuff.

"What can I say, opposites attract," I said with a shrug, and Elizabeth couldn't contain her disgusted tisk.

"I'm the lucky one," Edward said, and I felt my hands pull into fists.

I turned and threw my arms around him and said, "Oh Edward, thank you for this surprise. You're the best fiancé in the world."

"Anything for you, love," he answered, as we both stood tensely.

"Oh, don't they make the cutes couple?" my mother cried. "Are you writing your own vows?"

Edward smiled widely and said, "What a great idea, Renee. What do you say, Bella?"

I wanted to say, "Ef you." But instead I clapped my hands enthusiastically and agreed it was a great idea. Esme and Carlisle arrived and got busy getting my parents settled as I headed off to write my stupid fake vows.

It had to be something epic that would force Edward to cave at the last moment. It would be so great to be the poor scorned bride and I knew my father would take a couple of punches at Edward. I wonder if Pastors have a good left hook?

I worked clear until lunch on the romantic speech I would give, making sure it would bring Edward to his knees.

14

The night before my wedding was magical. We had a special dinner with real dessert, like with sugar and everything. Edward and I sat with our parents at a head table as all the resort guests joined us in the celebratory dinner. They kept tapping their glasses so Edward and I would have to kiss. I wish they would bang the table so I would have to bang him.

"Are you nervous?" Edward asked in a soft voice

"Not at all," I lied. "Are you?"

He shook his head and took a sip of his wine. I could see the pressure getting to him and it made me smile. I actually began to relax a bit, knowing he would end this soon and take the wrath of everyone for me. Edward senior was talking with my father and they seemed to get along really well. Elizabeth acted like she would be burying her son tomorrow and kept throwing death glares at me.

It came time for everyone to share a toast. My father stood and raised his glass. "Bella, you've always been my little girl, and I can't think of anyone better to hand the responsibility over of keeping you happy. I wish you both nothing but happiness."

Tears fell from my eyes and I almost bolted when people began tapping their glasses again. Edward looked at my crying eyes and gave me a smile to bolster me. It wasn't a smile of joy at my wavering bravado, it was a smile to tell me he was right there and everything would be okay. We kissed and it lasted just a bit longer than the other kisses.

Edward senior stood and raised his glass. "Son, you've never given me a moment of worry. You always took responsibility for your actions and brought joy to your mother and me. I am so happy you found the woman of your dreams. Congratulations to you both."

Crap, that one had to cut deeply. I looked at Edward to see if he was caving but he only took a steadying breath and brought my fingers to his lips to kiss them.

When the party finally broke apart Edward and I stood awkwardly knowing the next time we saw each other would be at the altar. I fully expected to receive a note tonight or tomorrow telling me he was calling it quits.

"I hope you sleep well tonight, because you are not sleeping at all tomorrow night," I reminded him, so he would get right to writing the note.

He looked at me without saying a word, just stared into my eyes. I felt my heart begin to race and I knew he was going to say it. I waited, but he only stared. I finally asked, "Is everything okay?"

"What is your middle name?" he asked, and at an odd time for a man who is marrying me.

"Marie."

He said it and I liked the way it sounded coming out of his mouth.

"What's yours?" I asked.

"Anthony," he smiled.

"Like St. Anthony?" I asked and he smiled widely.

"Patron Saint of lost things and missing persons," he informed me, "No, not like him."

His smile faded and he took a deep breath. "Bella, I want you to know I think you are an incredible woman."

"But?" I pressed.

He hesitated and finally said, "But nothing. Goodnight, love."

He kissed me and I couldn't stop my arms from pulling him tightly to me. He moaned a little and my body caught on fire. I pressed my mouth harder to his and he backed me up to the door of my bungalow. For the first time Pastor Edward's hands wandered a little, running up and down my sides as he pushed his pelvis against me.

If he would have been willing to do this in the first place we could have avoided the whole wedding fiasco. I took hold of both of his ass cheeks and squeezed them as he rocked back and forth. This was heaven, this was paradise.

"Hey," someone yelled, and we both jumped apart like teens being caught by our father. "Knock that off," Emmett teased.

"Shouldn't you be doing this with Rosalie?" I asked and he laughed.

"She owns me," he admitted. "But I'm sure you know the feeling."

Edward nodded shyly and then told me a final goodnight. He walked off and I turned to talk to Emmett. "Can you believe he would marry me in such a short amount of time?" I was hoping Emmett would try and talk some sense into Edward for me.

Emmett thought silently for a moment and then said carefully, "Edward is a great man. I hope you know that."

I realized at that moment Emmett was most likely sent to get me to run. Of course, he was Edward's friend and he would pressure me when Edward couldn't. I smiled and nodded after admitting I thought Edward was a great man too. Emmett gave me a hug and left without saying anything else.

I was ready for bed when my mother arrived to give me her gift. I opened the box to find a very salacious nightie for my wedding night. I felt a bit sad that Edward wouldn't get to really see me in it. But I would wear it for the next guy…most likely my old shoe, Jake.

Alice and Rose slept in my room with me, making it one last girl's night. We laughed and reminisced and I never once hinted this was all a ruse. It would make it much more real if they reacted honestly when Edward ended things.

The next morning a tray of food arrived at my door with a rose and a note from Edward. I handed it to Rose to read aloud, so I could concentrate on my pretend tears. She unfolded the paper and read:

_Love,_

_I was told every little girl dreams of her wedding day, wanting it to be absolutely perfect. I hope in my heart this day can live up to your expectations. It will be the one and only wedding you will ever have, so take advantage of the moments and enjoy every second._

_All my love,_

_Edward_

That sanctimonious bastard, I thought as I pretended to act touched. Alice and Rose both placed their hands on their hearts and declared Edward a true romantic. If they only knew what a lunatic he was.

I was pampered and babied all day. I got a manicure and pedicure, as well as my hair done into a style that matched the dress perfectly. Small strands of hair were pulled back and tucked loosely with baby breath flowers. Rose and Alice applied my makeup as I spent the entire day sitting.

I sent everyone from my room and put on my dress alone. I stood back and looked in the full length mirror. All the times I imagined being a bride I never saw myself looking this beautiful. It was beyond my wildest dreams and I felt like my legs were going numb.

My mother knocked and I let her in. She gasped and began to cry. I couldn't cry, I was too stunned to cry. "Edward is going to freak out," Alice said when she saw me.

It was my last hope. He would see me in this dress and immediately admit we weren't really getting married. Any woman who looked like I did just now deserved a real wedding with a groom who loved her.

Alice and Rose looked amazing in their sundresses with full hair and makeup, and damn if the leis didn't look great too. We all walked together to the gathering room. Edward's father whistled loudly and gave me a hug of approval. His mother simply looked me up and down before saying, "No shoes?"

"We are marrying on the beach, barefoot," I said, since she was ruining my little girl bridal fantasy.

My father, who I had never seen cry in his life, was trying to dry his eyes before coming to give me a kiss. "You're beautiful, baby girl," he said into my ear.

It felt so real and the numbing feeling began to change into an excited happiness. The bridal party didn't walk down the aisle; they simply took their places by the flowered arch on the beach. I waited in the room until the music began and then stepped outside on my father's arm. I immediately stopped in my tracks.

White chairs had been set up for the guests of the retreat and satin ribbons led the way to an arch covered in island flowers. Emmett and Jasper had on shorts, but their shirts matched the women at their side. A man in a long robe stood under the arch and next to him was Edward, in a tux.

He was wearing a tux, like a real groom, at a real wedding, waiting for his real bride. I felt my father pull on my arm and I took a hesitant step. The next step was easier, until I was walking without assistance. The guests were standing and I focused my eyes on Edward.

I couldn't read his expression. He stared at me like he was trying to read mine, so I just smiled. His entire face lit up and he smiled in return. My father stopped and turned to give me a kiss and said, "Be happy, Bella."

Edward reached out and took my hand from my father and said, "Oh my God, you look beautiful."

Of course I looked beautiful, it was my wedding. All brides look beautiful on their wedding day. The official began talking and I was waiting for Edward to interrupt and begin explaining, but he remained quiet.

It came time for our vows and luckily he had to go first. He held my hands softly and said, "Bella, marriage is important to me. It has spiritual meaning as well as temporal meaning. I believe it is a binding of two people together no matter what the circumstances. Will you agree before God and our loved ones to journey with me throughout our lives, never to be parted, and to build a righteous family?"

It was good; he got it all in there. The fact he would never divorce, the fact he wanted a brood, and the fact he was asking me to lie to God and my family. He was a great opponent, but I hadn't had my turn yet, so I smiled and said, "Yes, I do."

"Bella will now read her vows," the officiator announced.

I didn't need to read them, I had it down pat. "God's word talks about love often," I began. "Any servant of his would truly understand fully what love is and how to respectfully show it. I have faith in you, Edward, because you have faith in God."

I saw his eyes shift a little and he swallowed before maintaining his calm.

"Do you take me as your wife in the manner God would approve of?

"Yes, I do," he responded.

Holy Shit, I think we were just married.

"Bella, will you place the ring on Edward's finger," I was instructed.

I took the small suitcase ring from Esme and placed it on Edward's finger, and damn if the sucker didn't fit!

Edward was handed a box by his father and he took my left hand and smiled widely. "This is my Grandmother's real ring."

I looked down at a huge diamond, big enough to knock out two of his teeth. It was a bit large so he put it on my middle finger, how apropos.

"I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Masen," the jerk announced.

Edward and I froze. We didn't move to kiss or to smile at the spectators cheering for us. We were actually married and the thought of kissing him felt obscene and way too intimate.

"Dear Lord," Edward mumbled.

"We are majorly fucked," I said, without any concern for my husband's delicate ears.

"I can't believe this," he said as his face began looking tormented.

"You can't! I have to call my boyfriend and tell him I got married. This could just possibly cause us to break up forever."

Emmett pushed Edward and said, "Kiss your wife, idiot."

Oh God, I was a wife, and a wife of a Pastor. Surely God would smite me for this and a divorce would be unnecessary. Edward kissed me like a Priest would kiss an elderly donor to the parish. Our parents descended on us with hugs and cries. Finally Edward and I began to cry, too.

15

The lowest moment of my life was when I walked to my honeymoon bungalow with my fake husband. We were given a special room on stilts over the water. It was secluded and filled with rose pedals and candles. Everything a couple consummating their marriage would want.

I flopped down on the bed and screamed in frustration. "You are the most stubborn man in the world. This is all your fault," I added.

"My fault, you brought up the whole subject when you thought it was funny to stick your crotch in my face."

"You didn't knock," I yelled in rage.

"I thought it was a finished topic until you announced we should do it as quickly as possible," he yelled back.

"Because I figured out what you were doing. And I saw your shrine to Jane, if you think I'm living there with that portrait you are wrong."

He shook his head in confusion and said, "Living where?"

"Your mansion in the jungle, where you worship the one who got away," I said in jealousy.

He laughed incredulously and pointed an angry finger at me. "I don't live there. That is Esme's home. I own a home in Chicago."

Did I just enter the twilight zone? I thought we were staying here for our fake marriage. I wanted paradise, not the windy city. I realized we never talked about it, but isn't that something you tell a girl when you are pretending to court her?

"I thought you live here?" I said.

"I do, eight months out of the year. It is my job, not my home."

"So we'll live here for eight months?" I questions.

"Oh God," he groaned and had to finally sit. "I'm married."

"Right back at cha, Romeo," I said angrily.

He thought for a moment and then said, "I'll resign here. I have a home I want to raise a family in."

Oh yeah, he reminded me of his plan to use me as breading stock. "I have a two, possibly three, load capacity uterus. You're not getting any more out of me."

He closed his eyes and mumbled. "I like the name Barnabas; it was the name of a Priest I admired."

"I'm good with the dog being named Barnabas," I said, and he smiled without opening his eyes.

We were talking as if we were actually going through with this marriage, when we both knew it wasn't going to happen. I finally said the words we had both wanted to hear. "I give," I said. "We can have this annulled and it would spare you from a divorce."

I was a bit sad that I didn't actually get to consummate with him, but it was our only way to fix this. He looked over at me with a sad face and finally nodded. I scooted over and patted the place next to me on the bed.

"I won't touch you, come get some sleep."

He took off his jacket and shirt and climbed into bed with his pants on. I got up and went to the bathroom and changed from my dress into his tuxedo shirt. I got into bed and he turned onto his side to talk to me.

"Are you going to tell your kids what you did this summer?" he teased.

"It would be easier to tell them I spent the summer as a drug mule in Mexico."

He laughed and said, "I had a teacher in sixth grade that I was madly in love with. She was young and smelled so good. I bet some of your boys have a major crush on you."

It was such a sweet thing to say in a distorted, sick way. "What were you like as a kid?" I asked him.

"I was very serious. I didn't play much because I was always studying." I felt sorry for him, missing a childhood because his mother wanted to produce a priest.

"Did you ever jump on your bed?" I asked.

"No," he laughed, so I climbed out of the covers and stood.

"Come on, father, get up."

He stood and looked at me with frustration. "Don't call me Father," he demanded.

"Okay, husband," I said with an evil grin. I jumped up and down a few times and then took hold of his hand. "Come on, this is your only chance to rock the bed with me."

He laughed and finally began to jump along with me. We continued to jump as the bed creaked and moaned, until finally the frame broke and the mattress dropped to the ground. We both laughed so hard I couldn't catch my breath. I was sure the cleaning crew would spread the word of our raunchy night.

"See how wild life with me would have been?" I said as a joke.

He looked at me and his laugh changed to a sweet smile. "I never doubted it," he replied.

I snuggled up to him and put my head on his chest. He held me tightly and kissed my head a few times before we both fell asleep. I woke up with a terrible headache during the night to find Edward gone. I got up and looked in the bathroom and then walked outside to see if I could find him.

He was leaning over the railing, looking out at the dark water and his silhouette sent a feeling of relief spreading through me. I realized I expected him to be gone, moving on before our first night was over. I walked over and wrapped my arms around him.

"Do you have a champagne headache too?" I asked him.

"No, I just couldn't sleep," he said and hugged me tightly. "Would you like me to get you some Tylenol?"

It was so sweet of him to offer, but come on, if he showed up looking for a pain killer everyone would assume I couldn't handle the good Pastor. I wasn't about to gain a reputation as a virginal bride, it would be humiliating.

"The fresh air helps," I said and kept him in my arms.

We stood there silently, wrapped together as if we were a couple experiencing the bliss of a honeymoon. I began thinking about the whole marriage thing again and addressed the annulment issue. I sighed and said, "So how do we get this mess erased?"

"I'll take care of it. There will be some things for you to sign; do you have a fax number?"

I laughed, because I didn't live in a business or a church, I lived in a dive condo that I could afford on a teacher's salary. "No, I don't have a fax machine. But I can give you the schools fax number. It would get to me there."

"Okay," he said sadly.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"Tell me what your wife will be like?" I asked. It wasn't a very fair question because right now I was his wife, but I meant his real wife, the one he would spend his life with.

"She'll make me smile," he said softly as his face buried in my neck. "And she'll love me."

I was silent; since those were his only two requirements and knowing I could do both of those. I didn't want to think of another woman holding his hand and jumping on the bed with him. It was funny how my focus shifted away from sex once we were married. I had heard that rumor, but damn if it wasn't true.

"Some woman is going to worship you, Edward. You are easy to love so raise the bar a bit," I told him honestly, because my husband deserved to have an amazing wife.

"I think you ought to throw out the old shoe," he said and I chuckled a bit. "I'm serious, Bella. You deserve a man who makes you the reason for his existence, not just familiarity."

Wow, that sounded a bit excessive to me. Did I want to be the reason a man existed? It seemed like a lot of pressure. I was willing to settle for a man who came home at night, and it didn't even have to be every night.

"Jake's not so bad, I'm sure one of his other girlfriends really loves him," I said, and he pulled back to look at my face to see if I was teasing. "There is a whole other world out there you know nothing about," I laughed.

"Well, I'm glad you entered mine, it was a pleasure meeting you, and being engaged, and getting married."

We both began to laugh quite loudly at the absurdity of our situation. We were two spoiled rotten people who couldn't bear to lose. We actually deserved each other, too bad we weren't really a couple.

We had worked out the situation between us, but we still had to face our parents and go through that drama. I made a mental note to make sure my father didn't have his service revolver with him. I was certain Elizabeth would jump up and down with glee at the knowledge I hadn't soiled her son. At the moment I regretted passing on the spectacle wedding. I could always wait in the jungle with another water balloon. I decided to come clean with everything, since this may be my only chance to confess to a semi priest.

"I have to tell you something and I want you to remain calm," I said and felt him tense in my arms. "You have to understand I was trying to win our game. I wanted you to call things off and I was doing all I could to make it happen."

"You didn't have poison ivy, did you?" he said with a knowing glance.

"Are you kidding, I was almost crippled. I spent a week in paradise with a corroded crotch. That was all true."

"Okay, so what do I need to remain calm about?"

I stepped away from him, in case he wanted to toss me into the ocean or punch me in the gut. "I was the one who hit your mother with the balloon."

I cringed and waited for his anger to explode but he looked a bit confused instead. "How, you were in Esme's office?"

"You're right, I ran there right when I launched the balloon. I was actually aiming for you but she was at the right spot at the right time."

I wasn't making the story any better and I was sure the honeymoon was over. I didn't expect his hilarious roar. He doubled over and held his stomach tightly as he laughed uncontrollably.

"You have to let me tell her," he said with tears in his eyes.

Was he insane? I would admit nothing until Mommy church lady was far from where I was? I shook my head adamantly and tightened my mouth to show him how resolute I was on this subject. "Your mother is too scary," I admitted.

"Can I at least tell my father?" he asked.

I gave it some thought and finally agreed. Senior seemed like a jolly good chap and able to see the humor of the situation, I had no idea how they ended up together. I reached out and took Edward's hand and pulled him back into the bungalow.

"Come on, it will be morning soon and we have one hell of a day tomorrow."

He let me lead him to the bed and we returned to our snuggling position. He ran his fingers through my hair and said, "You look so hot in my shirt."

I couldn't blame it on the headache or the champagne. I couldn't even blame it on the game anymore, but something made me turn my face up to his. We stared into each other's eyes until the tension was almost palatable. He took hold of my chin with his fingers and pulled my mouth to his. My leg rose automatically and brushed against his cradle of civilization, which was on full alert to begin creating.

Edward rolled over onto me and I lost all control. He pulled his shirt, popping the buttons as I pulled on his pants with my feet.

Oh sweet Jesus, the annulment was no longer a possibility.


	6. Chapter 16 thru 18

16

How do you regret great sex? Is it even possible during the post coital glow to think about regretting sex? Edward and I were possibly the two stupidest people on the planet. We were stretched out on the broken bed trying to catch our breath when I realized at least my headache was gone.

"Son of a biscuit," I managed to say. "You chose the wrong vocation because…hot damn." He shook his head back and forth as he stared at the ceiling. I sat up and looked down at his face. "Don't you dare say it yet," I warned him. "Let me enjoy the moment before you start with regrets."

"I wasn't thinking about regrets, I was thinking about how we were going to make this work," he explained.

"Oh," I said and lay back down. "Obviously it can't work. I mean, I'm not even a former Catholic."

"Not an issue," he said and shook his head again.

I felt a button under my butt and pulled it out before asking, "Can I keep the shirt?"

His head rolled to the side and he looked at me. "You realize I come with the shirt, right?"

I picked it up and scrunched up my nose. "I think you came ON the shirt."

He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands and mumbled, "Oh God, help me."

I laughed and rolled on top of him as I smiled at his surprised face. "You don't need any help, you were perfect."

His hands moved to my ass and he said, "Bella Swan, you are my wife now whether you like it or not."

"I like it," I smiled and kissed him for his great performance. "And I'm Bella Masen now.

"It isn't going to be easy," he warned.

I rolled my eyes and wondered how dense he thought I really was. I know our beginning was less than ideal, but there are arranged marriages that worked out…of course Elizabeth would never arrange for me to marry Edward.

"Are you going to wake up and change your mind?" I asked, because it was easy to be confident in the darkness.

He tightened his hold on me and smiled, "Not if you sleep right like this."

It was a deal. I would use his body as a pillow and sleep soundly to the beat of his heart. After the weeks of trying to bed him, I was swooning from the afterglow. I closed my eyes as I lay my face on his chest and said truthfully, "I love you."

"I love you too," he said happily, "With all my heart."

And they lived happily ever after, should have been the remark at this time, but life isn't like a fairy tale and we were married to people we hardly knew. It was apparent the very next morning when Edward had almost a full beard. God, what was he, a Sasquatch?

He tried to kiss me but I pulled away. "How often do you shave?" I asked.

He rubbed his chin and said, "It isn't too bad yet."

Yet? You mean it gets worse. I made him an offer to get his face hair free as soon as possible. "Let's take a shower and you can shave while I soap you."

"You don't want to feel my beard?" he laughed.

"I like my men werewolf free," I explained and walked naked to the shower. He quickly jumped up to follow me and corrected my statement.

"I think you should now say man, not men."

Oh yeah, I was going to have to remember that. I hope I didn't remember during a date with Jake. I really needed to make that call as soon as possible. I stepped into the shower and shut the glass door. "Give me a sec, I need to pee," I told him.

"You're not peeing in the shower are you?" he asked in complete disgust.

"It goes down the drain, and urine is just body fluid. If you can jack off in the shower I can pee in the shower."

"If you pee in there I'm not using it," he said adamantly.

"You are such a wuss," I said as I climbed out and used the toilet.

I never figured him to be so picky. I thought once I got a hold of his penis just about anything would go. I had so much of Elizabeth to work out of him. He shaved as I soaped his back and wrote filthy messages in the suds. He couldn't guess any of them, which meant he hadn't played the soap game with Jane. I was happy.

We added bodily fluids to the shower and it ticked me off, since he had been so disgusted by my urine. But my mood was lifted by the fact my husband was a sex God. I will highly recommend bedding a Pastor.

I called Rose and asked her to bring me some clothes to wear and she asked me if I was leaving with her today. I had forgotten about her private plane and turned to look at Edward. "My ride leaves today," I told him and he smiled.

"I'll go with you."

"You're coming to Seattle?" I asked in shock.

"You're my wife, I go where you go. You can take care of business and then come with me to Chicago," he explained.

I went back to the phone and said, "Yeah, I am but I need to take care of business first. Bring me clothes and put them outside the door." I smiled at Edward and looked at the broken bed. "Can we do it one last time in Paradise?"

"Seriously?" he said and his entire face lit up. I bet the nun was a lot harder sell than I am. I dropped my towel and got back onto the mattress. He rushed over and dove onto me as if he was superman. I screamed but he used his arms and legs to keep from smashing me. I wrapped my legs around him and made him scream hallelujah.

This whole marriage thing was looking brighter.

Rose and Alice were so depressed on the way home. They had given the milk away for free and so far the guys weren't buying the cow. They made plans to come to Seattle but it would be at least another month away.

By the time we made it to Seattle Edward and I were exhausted. Rose's driver dropped us off at my apartment and I noticed how he looked around like he was afraid he would catch a disease. My place was clean, it was just ratty.

"Do you like O.J.?" I asked and pointed at my orange sofa. "It's ugly but I defy you to find a more comfortable place to plant your ass."

"It's a sofa?" he asked, as he looked quizzically at my orange blob.

"I got it at a yard sale, can you believe it?" I laughed.

"I'm…speechless," he said, and I noticed he was still holding his suitcase, which reminded me of another matter to clear up.

"I need to buy you a real ring that one came off of my suitcase."

He looked down at his hand and then over at my suitcase. He pulled it off and handed it back to me in embarrassment. I laughed and said, "I just wanted to see if you were greedy."

"Show me the bed," he demanded, and I ran down my little hallway to where my bed was. The only expense I went to was in decorating my bedroom. It was hooker burlesque with a hint of Parisian whore, not the bedroom befitting a Pastor, or a man with any standards whatsoever.

"Oh dear Lord," Edward gasped.

"Look, I have a condom machine," I said proudly, and then we both looked at each other and remembered a very important detail. "I gave you my pills."

"Do you think? Naw, it would be too soon," he said, half full of hope and half filled with terror.

"Do you have them, I'll finish the entire pack," I said with my own stifling fear.

"No, I tossed them," he said, since pills were from the devil.

"Then put a quarter in the machine or sleep with O.J."

I was surprised when he walked up to the machine. I didn't see the difference between condoms and birth control pills, but if he did, cool. I hoped he picked the glow in the dark slot, but he went with a standard, generic Trojan. I had to remind myself to take baby steps with Edward.

I grabbed it from his hand and dropped to my knees. Just as I got my hands on his zipper the doorbell rang. "Don't move," I instructed him and ran to answer the door.

Jake was standing there, impressive abs and all. He smiled and took a step closer to kiss me. I turned my head and he only caught the edge of my cheek. "Don't tell me you're still pissed at me," he complained.

"I got something in Brazil," I said to explain.

"Not VD I hope," he teased.

Edward walked into view and I held out my hands and said, "Ta da, look what I caught."

Jake looked at Edward and then back at me for an explanation. I let my head drop a little and said, "Um yeah, Jake, we need to break up. I'm married now and he doesn't allow me to date."

"Yeah, right," he said, and laughed loudly.

"No really, look," I said, and held up just my middle finger with the big diamond. It felt good to flip him off as I tried to diplomatically end it. "This is Edward Masen, and I'm now Bella Masen. Oh yeah, and he's a pastor too."

"You're a pastor and you married Bella?" he asked as he laughed. "Have you seen her bedroom?"

Ouch, it hurt to have my semi steady guy point out my sluty room to my religious husband. I decided to kick Jake out before he began talking about my different battery operated toys. Edward would run to the nearest confessional if he heard about those.

"We're broken up now, so bye," I said rudely.

"Can I have my stuff back?" he asked, and I glanced around the room. I had no idea what stuff he was talking about. I had an old t-shirt of his, but surely he didn't want that nasty thing back.

"What stuff?" I asked.

"I bought that couch," he said. Oh hell no, he was not taking O.J. or known more formally as Orange Julius. I would fight to the death over that thing.

"You bought it for my place, so it stays," I demanded.

"Bella," Edward called out. "I already have furniture at our house."

I was sure whatever furniture Edward had was picked out by Elizabeth, so it would be stiff and uncomfortable. If Edward wanted me, he had to take O.J. too.

I ignored him and turned my attention back to Jake. "You are just doing this to hurt me. You don't care about O. all. You never came over here to see him."

"You're the one who ran off to get married without telling me. I think I deserve him because you chose another man over him."

"I did not," I yelled. "This was all a misunderstanding that became a mistake. I never planned to leave O.J."

My mild mannered husband finally reached his breaking point. He whistled loudly to get our attention and then said, "Jake, I would be happy to pay you double for the sofa. Bella, it is not under any circumstances coming to Chicago with us."

Jake smiled at me like he had won, even though he left without the sofa. I let Edward have his manly moment and decided to bring up the subject again when I was better rested, or when he had less oxygen going to his brain.

Edward smiled and said, "Now what were we doing before we were interrupted?" As if he really forgot, yeah right.

I tossed the condom at him and marched back to the bedroom as I said, "You have to put it on yourself now." I didn't cut him off completely, because it would only punish me. But I left the light on so he would have to feel like he was making love in a brothel. We'll see if he tries to separate me from O.J. again.

17

We didn't have much of a reason to hang around Seattle. After I gave notice on my condo lease and we got his ring purchased and mine sized, we were pretty much done here. I think Edward wanted to come with me to see if I had anything salvageable in my condo. He told me to leave everything, even the condom machine. I cried for hours.

We took a red eye flight to Chicago and by the time we got into a cab I was fighting to keep my eyes open. I finally leaned my head on Edward's shoulder and closed my eyes. We seemed to be driving forever and I wondered just how big Chicago was.

The next thing I knew I woke up in a strange bed. I sat up and tried to remember if I was dreaming or not. I looked at the huge dark furniture and felt like I was in a castle. Edward was gone from the bed so I got up and saw I was only in my shirt and panties. I pulled on my jeans and began looking for a way out of the massive room.

I opened a door which led into a huge bathroom. I opened the door next to it and found a closet larger than my entire bedroom. I headed to the other side of the room and opened a door to see another large bathroom. I glanced back and forth between the two and wondered exactly how much a person would need to shit to warrant two bathrooms in their bedroom.

I finally found the door to escape and exited onto a large walkway overlooking a massive marble staircase. Oh my God, he lives in a church! I called out for Edward and he appeared from underneath me and looked up to the balcony. He was holding a bowl and wearing an apron.

"Where's a clock?" I demanded.

He pointed to a colossal grandfather clock which towered over him.

"You have five minutes to explain…go."

"Explain what?" he asked in confusion.

I threw my arms out to circle around me and said, "This. What is this? What are you doing? How often do you shit?" I asked in hysterics.

He smiled and said calmly. "This is our home; I am making you breakfast, and normally once a day."

"No, no, no," I exclaimed as I rushed down the stairs. "This isn't a home. This is a museum. You are a pastor, so who are you doing to afford all of this."

It did kind of make sense. He wouldn't give it up to me because I couldn't buy him a museum, only a whorishly gaudy master suite.

"Come into the kitchen and we'll talk."

I followed him into a kitchen that scared me to death. It had four ovens! A pizza oven made into a brick wall, a convection oven, and duel electric ovens. Not only did I need all new clothes, but I needed to learn to cook. I felt my eyes tear up and Edward set down the bowl and came to hug me.

I wished he would have removed the apron, or at least gone with just the apron. This way he looked kind of gay.

"Bella, I am a pastor and offer my services as a counselor free of charge. I don't run a congregation because I don't need any money," he told me. "This was why I needed to find out if you wanted me for my money or for me."

If I was perfectly honest it was good to know he was rich AFTER our failure at playing the game. But this was not the way I wanted to live. I pulled back and looked into his eyes. "Edward, this isn't a home for kids. Hell, a baby gate wouldn't even fit across the staircase, and I can't watch soap operas if I'm chasing a baby up and down the stairs all day."

Not to mention the fact that if Edward grew an aversion to condoms I would be chasing multiple babies.

He took my hand and said, "Let me show you the entire house."

"Do I need my walking shoes?" I asked.

"No," he laughed. "If you get tired I'll carry you."

"Did you carry me over the threshold last night?" I asked, since I had missed it.

"Yes, and you were snoring loudly," he said to embarrass me.

We began the tour and I was feeling sick to my stomach. The furniture was almost all wooden, dusting alone would be an all day event. There was a room for everything he had. Books in one room, office in another, a T.V. room, an exercise room, and a music room.

"Do you play the piano" I asked. It wouldn't surprise me if he said no, because he had two bathrooms in the master bedroom and apparently only shits once a day.

"My mother insisted I learn, in case I ended up in some underdeveloped country I would be able to provide music for the church."

"Did she know musical guys get laid more?" I asked, losing all confidence in Elizabeth's decision making abilities.

"Not when playing hymns," he laughed.

Yeah, I saw his point. The house had a total of six bedrooms, not counting ours. I figured with bunk beds we could put four kids to a room. I looked at Edward and asked, "Can I bring my condom machine, PLEASE!"

He didn't answer, and I noticed too. "Do you like the house better now?"

I took hold of his hand and we sat on a settee that was hard and had gold fabric. It would look great in my bedroom at home.

"Edward, this is beautiful, but it isn't a house for a family. I want a home that we can really live in, one where we can laugh and love without it echoing. I want my kids to be able to run next door to my room when a storm frightens them and they can sit in the kitchen and help me make a special cake for daddy. This is….insane."

His eyes began to water and I felt awful for insulting his house, but I had to be honest….for once.

"I'm sorry I upset you," I offered.

"Bella, you just described everything I want so badly. I don't need this mansion, I just need you," he smiled, and I threw my arms around him.

"Do places like this sell?" I asked, not sure if a sign was even allowed in the yard.

He didn't answer again but said something else to upset me. "My parents planned a reception for us tonight. You'll need a formal dress."

"Flippin A," I said with exasperation, and he laughed without understanding.

"I'll take you shopping, unless you would rather go with my mother."

"You have a real mean streak, don't you?" I asked him, since I didn't really know him very well.

We ate the food he had prepared and headed out to find a dress. It was the first real look I got of his museum. It was big and white, with a circular drive and a fountain of a naked cherub; I'm stunned Elizabeth would allow it.

I tried on several gowns, not really looking in the mirror, just looking at Edward's face for the right one. When I saw his eyes light up and his pants tighten, I knew I had the right pick. Now I had an issue of my hair. It was a nice feature of mine, but I didn't really do much with it. By the time we finished shopping we didn't have time for a professional style. I decided to just straighten it and let it flow.

As we drove to the country club I asked Edward about his family wealth. His grandfather owned a shipping company and made millions before Elizabeth was even born. If she had been raised in a museum it explained her demeanor.

I instructed Edward to remain close by in case I had to choose from twelve forks or something. I doubted pizza bites were on the menu. He introduced me to so many people I gave up on trying to remember names. It was weird meeting so many nuns and priests and I wished I had a habit to wear so I could eat freely without worrying about a bulging stomach. I didn't think about the consequences of wearing a tight gown.

I finally took a rest and sat down at a table where Mr. Masen was sitting. I smiled and said, "Hey big E, tell me your story."

"Big E?" he laughed. "Does that make my son little E?"

"No way, he's even bigger E," I announced, thinking his father would be proud of how his son was hung.

"My story, well, exactly what are you asking?"

I wanted to know how a seemingly fun man ended up with the ice queen, but I couldn't phrase it that way. "You seem like a go with the flow type of guy, are you a regular in this society?" I said instead.

"I'm not as religious as Elizabeth, but my family had their own wealth," he admitted.

"So, does Lizzy ever relax?" I pushed.

He laughed loudly and then leaned in to whisper, "Don't let her hear you call her that."

I nodded in agreement; since there was a whole list of things I called her without anyone's knowledge. "I know Edward was a bit uptight until I loosened him up. You should give it a try," I suggested.

"And exactly how did you loosen him up?" he asked with a smile.

I scooted my chair closer to him and whispered, "Tonight when you get home, strip down to your boxers and jump up on the bed. Make her join you for a jump, and I mean literally jumping on the bed. Then flip her over and do her from behind."

Mr. Masen jumped back in his chair as if I was going to kiss him or something. He looked stunned and it shocked me a bit. Maybe he was wrapped tighter than I thought. He finally took a sip of champagne and began to laugh. "Bella," he said and raised his glass. "Welcome to the family."

It was the best toast of the night.

We were ready to leave after midnight and I offered Elizabeth a hug before saying, "Have a great night, I have a feeling you will."

She nodded curtly at me and I laughed at the images in my head.

I snuggled up to Edward on the ride home and he held me tightly in his arms. "Bella, I love you more each day," he admitted.

"I think this is going to work," I told him, since he really didn't have a choice anymore.

"There are some…traditions I have that I would like for you to participate in," he said, and I noticed how nervous he seemed.

My traditions were easy. Nachos for the Superbowl, a green bra for St. Patrick's Day, and chocolate by the pound for Valentine's Day….preferably drizzled on the guy if I'm seeing anyone at the time. But I had a feeling Edward's traditions would be more intense.

"Okay," I agreed hesitantly.

"I pray morning and night; I would like you to join me for one of them."

Shit, the only prayer I knew was 'Over the teeth and through the gums, look out stomach here it comes.'

"Do you use smoke and speak in Latin?" I asked, because that was out of the question.

"No, I simply speak to God," he said and gave me a calming kiss.

"Okay, I can talk," I admitted.

"I would like for us to attend Sunday services," he added carefully.

Oh man, I needed new dresses and quick. I doubt my Britney Spears look of skirt, leggings, and ugs would work. I also needed to work on my mental language, because damn if I didn't have a dirty mouth. I tried desperately to come up with my own conditions, but it wasn't the right time to bring up O.J. and other than that I didn't have anything, so I agreed to his.

When we arrived back at the museum I began taking off my dress as soon as the front door closed. He reached out to help me and I lost my composure. We didn't make it to the bedroom, but the old grandfather clock got to witness how slippery marble can be.

18

We were snuggled up in our bed, sleeping until close to noon when I decided to share the dream I had that night with Edward. It had seemed so real. I was playing with my kids in the back yard of a nice house and they were hiding in the trees as I searched for them. We were laughing and so happy. Edward walked onto the deck and I ran into his arms, feeling a love that was almost overwhelming for me.

The part of the dream that struck home with me was the surroundings. We were in Forks and we were happy. I had no idea how Edward would respond so I felt I had to sell the idea.

"Edward, you should have your own congregation. You would be an amazing Pastor and the money could go back into the community and the parishioners. Forks needs an active youth group, since there is nothing to do but drink and have sex. Plus the reservation could use your services too."

"And you could teach school there, right?" he asked.

I hadn't even thought about that. I had my Washington teaching license and I wouldn't have to skip a year of working. I loved the idea of returning to teach at the place I had tormented so many teachers. I began to get really excited.

"We could have our dream home built, something perfect for just us. We could take your piano from here and my sofa from my apartment."

"I'll need to pray on that one," he chuckled.

Okay it was time now. I had bed sex and floor sex to threaten him with so I jumped into the fight. "O.J. is not negotiable so pick something you want, because the discussion is over."

He looked at me and noticed my angry look, the one that warns men to protect their genitals. I realized in that moment what a wonderful counselor Edward was. He could psyche me better than anyone I knew.

"How about this, you give O.J. to a loving home and I'll let you decorate our bedroom?"

Thank God! I would keep the condom machine and forget about the bunk beds. I wouldn't have to have my pelvic floor tightened and could consider a breast enhancement. I mean, my husband was freaking rich after all.

"Deal," I said, betraying O.J. without any regret.

Things were moving alone smoothly and I couldn't wait to call Rose and Alice, until Edward rolled off the bed and onto his knees to pray. It felt weird, since I had only seen him on his knees for other things. I sat up to watch him, mumbling softly with his hands pressed together. I thought I heard my name a couple of times, but it could have been just my narcissism.

When he finished he looked up at me so I quickly closed my eyes and pretended to be saying my own prayer. Hum…what exactly would I pray for? Oh yeah, "God bless O.J. and help me find him a good home. Bless Elizabeth that she'll loosen up and that she didn't kill Big E last night. Help the museum to sell, and help us build a freaking great house in Forks."

I peeked out to see if Edward was still watching me and when he smiled I said, "Amen."

"We'll work on it," he said with a laugh, and then stood to help me out of the bed.

Praying was weird, but it actually did make me feel more connected to Edward and hopeful for the day. Maybe religion had a purpose more than finding hot Pastors.

We got on the computer and looked at land for sale in Forks, for both a church and a house. Unfortunately things like this take time, and I'm not really good with waiting. I applied for an open position as a history teacher in Forks and called my father to make sure it went through for me.

He was beyond excited and agreed we could live with him until our house was finished. Edward wasn't so certain. Having sex on the floor in front of my dad's small coo coo clock wasn't something he wanted to consider.

We ended up purchasing a plot of land which would hold the church and our house just outside of town. Our kids would have plenty of room to run around and I had been offered the teaching position. I flew home to close up my condo and move to Forks until Edward could come.

I made the call to the one person I didn't want to talk to, but I knew loved O.J. as much as I did. Jake came right over and didn't offer to comfort me once as I sobbed when he had it carried out of my house.

I loaded the condom machine into my car with my personal belongings and headed over to Rose's house to spend the night. We talked all through the night and she filled me in on her ongoing relationship with Emmett. I had a flash of brilliance and said, "Rose, you should move to Forks. Emmett could open a gym or something; you're rich enough to do it."

"I can't very well propose to him and offer him his own business," she said sadly.

"Sure you can. He probably feels like he can't offer you enough. Show him you want him just the way he is."

"Do you think I should?" she asked, and I saw a sparkle in her eyes I had never seen before.

"Totally, fly down there and drag his ass back up here," I demanded, forgetting I was a pastor's wife.

"Did you hear Jasper is looking for a job as a professor? Turns out he enjoyed teaching Alice everything and he wants to do it for a living," she laughed.

"Really? I bet he could get on in Port Angeles at the satellite campus. He would be the smartest professor there."

"Oh Bella, I hope this works out for us all," Rose said, and wiped her eyes.

"I'll pray it does, because I can do that now," I admitted proudly.

"Like God would listen to you," she said to cut me.

"Yeah, I think he answers my prayers just because he is terrified for Edward."

"If he is answering yours, he'll definitely answer mine," she teased. "I'm going to give it try."

Wow, I was having an impact for good. I was a right proper pastor's wife, bringing lost souls to God. I wish Edward was here to see it, but that wasn't very humble of me so I kept quiet.

I was happy and fulfilled until I settled in Forks at my dad's place. The school year started and I was missing Edward terribly. I sunk into a funk and only got out of bed to go to work. Every night I would lie in my bed and skype with him on my cell phone. It was getting old and I wanted our house finished and his museum to sell.

"I heard the roof was going on this week," he told me to cheer me up.

"Big deal, we can't move in with just a framed house and a roof."

"Things will begin to move faster from this point," he promised.

"Just come move in here," I begged. "It isn't that bad."

"Bella, I'm getting everything taken care of here. I don't want to be running back and forth like I did in Brazil."

"You aren't looking to replace me with a nun are you?" I said. I admit it was a low blow, but it was the only blow I could give him from this distance.

"I promise you I will be there for good in less than three weeks."

"I'm holding you to it," I said like a child.

"I do miss you Bella, honestly I do."

I sat quietly and looked at the choppy image on my phone. "I love you so much," I said softly.

"You are my only reason for existing," he said and my heart went wild. So this was what that felt like. It was nothing like I had thought. It was pretty dang incredible.

I pinned up a calendar so I could mark off the days. My father stayed away from home as much as possible, since I was so grumpy all the time. I purposefully drove past our house to see the changes every day. If I couldn't see anything different I would get out and yell at the construction crew. I was single handily ruining Edward's ability to attract a congregation.

I was standing in front of my class of misfits, who call themselves junior high students, and going over a quiz. I was tempted to fail them all, just to make myself feel better, but juvenile delinquency was a big enough problem without giving them a cause.

"If it helps make up a poem to remember the dates, like, in 1492 Columbus sailed the blue," I told them.

One particularly impertinent boy said, "Like, I don't need this class, so you can kiss my….."

I rolled my eye, because the kid was beyond stupid. "There isn't a date in that poem, Einstein."

The class laughed and I sighed because I missed laughing. I missed laughing with my husband, my lover, my reason for existing. Hey, it works both ways, cool.

"I'm going to let you all go early today, just promise to study for the quiz tomorrow," I said, and they all cheered loudly.

I sat down at my desk and felt like I could sleep right there. I had to get more exercise before I became a permanent fixture in my bed. And it was a possibility because I had seen a show where a person had to be lifted with a hoist out of his bed.

I opened my drawer and took out some chocolate to eat away my sorrows. I was eating away a lot of sorrows lately, and downing a huge amount of chocolate.

My door opened and I spoke without looking up. "Go study, or I will fail you on principle."

A shy girl walked slowly toward my desk and handed me a note. I opened it to find Edward had called. I looked at the girl and grinned widely. "I'll give you an A, no matter how many you miss," I promised.

"I'm not in your class," she informed me, so I dropped the pretense and told her to leave so I could read my note.

He had called about a problem with a sub contractor on the house and he wanted me to go over there and kick them off the job. I was so sad, and the note didn't even mention anything about being his reason for existing.

I drove to the house and prepared to unleash all my pent up anger on the men painting the walls. I had no idea why Edward wanted them gone, but I needed somewhere to focus my anger. I walked through the place as I called out, "Hello."

It echoed and I noticed the irony of the situation. I headed to the back of the house and heard soft music playing. I turned the corner of what would be the master bedroom and saw something that sent me into tears.

Edward was there, holding roses and smiling lovingly at me. I rushed forward and pushed him out of the way to fall onto O.J. in tears. "You saved him," I cried.

"Yes love, it is really me," he said cynically.

I grabbed the sleeve of his shirt and pulled him down to the couch with me. It was not only comfortable to sit one, but very comfortable to screw on. I welcomed my guy back with everything I had. We lay wasted on the hideous orange sofa naked and completely satisfied. Edward was running his hand lightly across my stomach as I kissed his neck. He pushed me back and stood up to look down at me.

"What?" I asked, thinking he was angry.

"Do you have something to tell me?"

Shit, what did he hear? Maybe Jake added a bunch of junk to the story when Edward reclaimed O.J. I finally manned up and asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Look at you?" he said, as he pointed down at me.

I glanced at my nude body and then back at him. Nothing had changed so if he remembered me differently it was his issue, not mine, although my breasts were maturing finally.

"When was your last period?" he asked, and I quickly looked down to see if I had started.

My head rose slowly back to look at him and I felt a bit sick to my stomach. "On the island," I mumbled.

He fell to his knees and held his clasped hands into the air rejoicing as I went totally numb. Maybe I wasn't just a lazy pig; maybe I was tired and hungry because I was pregnant. I looked at my stomach and noticed a hard lump in my lower pelvis. How could I have missed that?

"Do you really think I could be four months pregnant?" I asked him, and also praying it wasn't only a month because I was pretty much going to be divorced if I was.

He put his mouth to my abdomen and said, "I've prayed for you, Barnabas."

**Oh hell no!**


	7. Chapter 19 thru 21

19

Edward doesn't believe in divorce, but I do. I had given in on the O.J. issue. I had learned to pray every morning, and I had done the nasty without birth control, but the Barnabas issue was never going to happen. I would leave my gorgeous man in my cloth if he insisted our son be cursed with that name. It would be the least I could do for our offspring.

It was funny how quickly the house got finished once Edward was in town. I don't know if the construction crews listened to a man more, or if he prayed it done. I was busy picking out furniture and waiting for my doctor's appointment to arrive.

I had been doing a bit of praying of my own. I wanted a girl, hell I would even take a hermaphrodite as long as I didn't have to name it Barnabas. We never approached the issue, but I could tell he mumbled the word Barnabas when he prayed, the jerk.

I was finally sitting on the doctor's office chewing on my fingernails when Rose reached out and slapped my hand.

"Ow," I yelled and smacked her back. A toddler looked at us in shock, surely receiving time out if he acted like that.

"Why are you so nervous?" she asked.

"My marriage depends on us having a girl. I have a 50-50 chance of this ending my happiness."

"Fine, I wasn't going to tell you, but if it will make you relax I'll do it," she said, and I wondered if she was pregnant and offering to steal the name away.

"Emmett and I are buying that house on Ranger Road," she said as if announcing the second coming.

"Ooh, next to the Stanley's? You better keep your drapes closed," I laughed.

"Why, is he a pervert?"

"No, she is," I said to really throw Rose for a loop.

"I thought you would be over the moon," she added with a sullen voice.

"Rose, I'm having a crisis here, my marriage may or may not be ending, and they've already broken ground on the church."

"You can't leave Edward, or I'll lose the bet. I said for sure you would make it one year."

I was stunned, and a bit pissed someone bet less than a year. I mean, I would have, but I had insider information.

My name was called and I took in a gasp of breath before standing and heading back. Edward was going to try to make it, but he had to be at city hall getting a zoning matter cleared and didn't want me to reschedule. Rose held my hand as the doctor verified my pregnancy.

"Can you tell what it is?" I asked, thinking if he had his hand clear up there surely he could feel the outline of the baby's body.

"No, I can order a sonogram if you like," he offered.

"Yes, I like," I replied.

"Usually parents don't care about the sex of the first born," he said nonchalantly.

"Oh, all of my babies have to be girls," I informed him. "My husband wants to name his son Barnabas, like that wouldn't doom him to rape in prison."

The doctor looked up from the chart he was writing in and said, "My father's name was Barnabas, and he did fine."

Rose laughed but I glared at them both. Now the doctor would do everything in his power to curse me with sons. I was going to be yelling in the backyard for Barney one thru ten.

I arrived home to find Edward just pulling into my father's garage. I walked over and he pulled me into his arms. "How did everything go?" he asked.

"I'm not pregnant, just fat," I lied.

He chuckled and said, "Well, I like you fat, so no big deal."

"The doctor scheduled a sonogram and we'll know the sex then," I told him, and he smiled and kissed me.

It was just what I needed to calm me. Edward made me feel safe and loved, if he only had better taste in names.

"Emmett and Rose are moving into that house next to the Stanley's," I told him.

"Great," he responded, "Has Jasper heard anything from the university?"

"I haven't talked to Alice."

"I have some good news; we can start moving in on Saturday."

"Perfect, it is when your piano arrives," I said, feeling like things were finally working out.

Since I was pregnant I didn't have to lift boxes. I got to give instructions on where to put things. A bunch of my boys from my classes came over to help and I promised to give them extra credit. By nightfall I was wiped, and Edward was stuck rubbing my feet as I lay proudly across O.J. I had been given free rein on the bedroom so I put him in there.

"If we are having a girl what name do you like?" I asked him.

"I like Marie," he admitted.

"Really, you don't think it is too close to Mary?"

"What's wrong with Mary?" he asked.

"Nothing is wrong with Mary, but it seems too cliché for a pastor to name his daughter Mary, unless he names his son Joseph," I said and hoped I could plan on a little Joe.

"If it is a girl, you can name it. If it a boy, I get to," he bargained.

"No, I think we should both agree 100 percent," I said.

"Fine, what girl names do you like?"

"I like Laramie," I offered.

"It's a city," he said as he shook his head.

"I like Gem."

"We are not naming our daughter Jim."

"If you name our son Barnabas I am naming our daughter Laramie Gem," I said angrily.

I wanted to believe my hormones were making me so obstinate, but who was I kidding, this was the real Bella and he better get used to it. I wanted to begin calling my little bundle something and announced to everyone my pregnancy. My mother would freak, but nothing like Elizabeth. I'm sure she will insist on a paternity test.

That next week I was so busy with school and decorating that it felt like Edward and I were only seeing each other in bed. I had a particularly difficult day on Thursday when my jeans wouldn't zip. I cried, for both happiness and sadness. Edward tried to calm me but I was inconsolable.

"Honey, it just means the baby is growing and healthy," he said.

"I know," I yelled. "I'm happy to be pregnant; I just don't want to wear maternity clothes."

He hesitated as he tried to figure out what I meant. "Why?" he asked.

"Forget it," I said and grabbed an old skirt that would fit over my baby bump. I headed off to work and hoped my clothing dilemma would force Edward to cave on the name. I was willing to play up every pound I gained and every inch I grew in order to make him change his mind.

I realized he was playing for keeps too when I got home that night and found we had a visitor. An elderly man sat in my living room. He had a thick head of grey hair and the kindest eyes I had ever seen. I knew who he was by the Priest robes he was wearing.

"You must be Barnabas," I said and extended my hand.

"Yes, it is so nice to meet you Bella. I think of Edward as almost a son."

I smiled and Edward and whispered, "Almost."

We spent the entire evening with the old Priest and I helped him get settled in one of our guest rooms before pulling a number on Edward. I walked into our bedroom and stopped to hold onto the dresser as I took deep breaths.

He rushed to my side. "Are you okay, love?"

"Yeah, I think so. I'm having a really weird pain," I lied.

He helped me to the bed and looked totally panicked. "I'll call the doctor."

"No, I feel better by lying down," I said and he sat next to me on the bed. "I think it was too much having company after a long day at work."

"I'm sorry, don't you worry about Father Barnabas, I'll take care of anything he needs. Get some rest, okay?"

"Thank you Edward, you are so good to me," I said in the most pitiful voice I could manage.

He turned off the light and I smiled widely. Did the wedding game not teach him the lengths I would go to win?

I had to admit I really liked Father Barnabas and he seemed to have Edward's undying loyalty, but come on, I can't name my son that! He spent two days with us and then had to leave. I could tell how emotional Edward was and tried to make it better with a little mommy, daddy time.

We dropped the name issue until the day of my sonogram. I took the afternoon off from work and we drove to Port Angeles together. Edward was so excited to get a glimpse of our baby, but I just hoped it wasn't ugly. I would love it regardless, but I somehow thought it would be just a tiny bit easier to love a cute baby.

We were led back to a room and I was handed a paper gown to put on and told to leave on my underwear. I sat on the table and waited as Edward paced. A woman walked in and I looked at her and instantly looked away. She had a huge mole on her chin with a crop of hair growing from it. I couldn't look at her again or I would burst into laughter.

I felt Edward nudge me and I quickly said, "Can I have a moment with my husband please?"

She left the room and I covered my mouth with my hand to contain myself. Edward chastised me for not looking beyond her physical appearance. I wasn't buying his holier than thou attitude. "Edward, she has a beaver on her chin, don't tell me that isn't funny."

"Bella, that's obscene," he said and I noticed how his mouth twitched.

"Go tell her to come in," I said, "But don't get turned on by her."

He shook his finger at me and then called the woman back into the room. I kept my head down and Edward refused to look at her too. She spoke directly to us and asked, "Do you want a boy or girl?"

"I don't care, as long as it's normal," Edward said.

"And preferably hairless," I mumbled and Edward glared at me.

The woman sat at the machine and began to play with the hairs on her chin as she worked with the knobs. Edward coughed to stifle his laugh and it got so bad he had to leave the room for water. I opened my gown and said, "Hurry, do the sonogram and tell me what it is."

"The gel isn't warm yet," she said.

"I don't care, just go," I demanded.

She squeezed the gel onto my stomach and I screamed loudly from the shock, bringing Edward running back into the room. We both lost all concern about the beaver faced woman and looked at the screen in front of us. She moved the wand over my stomach and we saw the tiny heart beating furiously.

"Oh my God," Edward whispered.

"It has a good heart beat, strong and fast just like it should," the woman said.

"Can you tell the sex?" Edward asked, and I didn't even feel the need to laugh at his question to the beaver woman.

She moved the wand all over the place and couldn't seem to find the area she wanted. I began to worry my child really was a hermaphrodite after all. I said a quick prayer and promised to never make fun of women with beavers on their chin again.

She sighed and said, "The baby won't hold still."

Oh no, I had an ADHD baby. I made a mental note to look into medications and hoped like hell the Reverend Masen wasn't opposed to drugging our hyperactive child.

The woman finally gasped and said, "There, I got it."

Edward and I looked at the screen and saw nothing but static. I wasn't even sure there was a baby there, only a heart. She smiled and turned to look at us. "I can tell you with 100 percent certainty the sex of your baby."

20

Praise the Lord, our baby had a sex, only one. I felt my eyes fill with tears and I was suddenly terrified. This was real, it wasn't like fighting over the size of the flat screen, which I won, because I am married to the only man in America who thinks smaller is better.

I was going to have a son or a daughter, not an assumed one, but an actual baby we could name and talk to. I looked at Edward and he had the same terrified look on his face that I had.

We were both excited, but we didn't even know each other a few months ago. It was a lot to take in such a short amount of time. I wasn't sure I had the ability to mother in the way he would expect, but by the look on his face he was having the same fears.

Beaver face was busy typing on the keyboard and I spoke softly to Edward. "Our baby. It is real."

"You'll be an amazing mother," he said and kissed me.

"Nice try," I said harshly, "I'm not caving."

"Bella, it is important to me," he begged and gave me such a sexy, sad, gorgeous look it almost caused me to cave. But in reality Edward had that look often, so I was becoming immune.

"We don't even know the sex yet," I pointed out, and beaver face stood and began cleaning the gel off of my stomach.

"I put the sex of the baby on the screen and printed you a picture. I'll leave and let you find out together," she said, and handed me the paper with the blank side showing.

I held it like it was made of glass and then looked at Edward. "Are you ready?"

"Wait," he called out, and I almost squeed in delight at the thought he was going to give up on the name. "I just want to say first that I love you. Thank you for making me a father and I swear to protect this child with my very life."

Oh my God was he good. He was trying to push my maternal buttons and I had to take a steadying breath. Would I be willing to let my child suffer a broken bone or two to spare him from a horrid name for life? Yeah, I was good with it.

"Are you ready now?" I asked, without commenting on his swipe at the emotional card. He nodded and I slowly turned over the paper.

Apparently our child is an alien monster, because there was nothing human like in the picture, but across the top was the word, GIRL.

I screamed so loudly the beaver lady peeked in to see if we were okay. Edward collapsed onto my chest and began to sob. I thought he was upset and I did the stupidest thing possible. I promised to have another baby right away. I prayed he was too emotional to process my promise.

He raised his head to show his tears and said, "Bella, I'm having a baby daughter, I couldn't be happier. This feeling is incomprehensible."

His hand moved to my abdomen and obviously our baby is a daddy's girl, because she kicked and I felt the weirdest sensation. It was like an angry butterfly pounding to get out. Edward laughed and kissed the spot where she kicked. "Daddy loves you, Marie," he whispered.

"So does mommy, Laramie," I added, to show it was game on.

He chose to ignore my comment and we began making plans to finally announce to the world we were having a baby. The first person I wanted to tell was Charlie. My dad was a cool old man, not a typical grandfather type, so I had no idea how he would respond.

We drove to his house and walked in to find him cleaning his gun. Edward pulled me behind him, as if my father would shoot me for getting knocked up. I was married to a Pastor for heaven's sake. Charlie set the weapon aside and invited us to come sit.

"Dad, I have some news that might be a bit shocking," I began.

"Damn it, I knew it wouldn't last," he said, and I suddenly realized it was most likely my father betting with Rose.

"I love Bella with every fiber of my being," Edward said, to calm my father and to piss me off.

"Give it a rest," I sighed, and my dad looked back and forth between us like he knew he was right.

"Aside from the occasional condom, which I really don't understand, Edward doesn't believe in birth control," I began.

"You're expecting?" my dad interrupted to spoil the surprise.

"A daughter," I announced and then quickly added, "We haven't picked a name yet."

Charlie smiled proudly and then said, "I've always been partial to Katie."

"Yeah, so are the majority of parents of my students. I have six Katie's," I groaned.

"Bella likes the name Albuquerque," Edward said, as he rolled his eyes.

"I do not," I yelled. "But Fargo would be cute for a boy."

"Sure, name our son after the coldest place on earth," he said angrily.

"Maybe Elizabeth should be named that," I mumbled under my breath and Edward gave me an angry glare. "I'm just saying."

"You are happy about the news, aren't you?" Charlie asked in confusion.

"Oh, we are ecstatic," I assured him. "How did you and mom pick my name?"

"Your mother went to a psychic," he laughed. My eyes widened and I was actually considering doing the same thing. Who knew psychics could name babies? Then he added, "The woman's name was Madame Bella."

Edward burst into laughter and I kicked at him but missed. Only my mother would do something like that. Elizabeth most likely fasted and prayed for forty days and forty nights, but my mom heads to a carnival.

"Can we use your phone?" I asked my father, so we could call my mother and have moral support. He nodded and Edward got up to get the receiver. I dialed and put her on speaker phone. She answered after several rings.

"Hi mom," I said.

"Hi baby, do you know how to get wine off of a white ceiling fan?"

I let my head fall into my palm and groaned as the two men looked at each other in confusion. I didn't ask, some things are better left unknown. "Edward's here," I announced, "And we want to tell you something."

"Hold on," she said, "I need to yell at the paper boy."

We could hear her door open and she yelled out, "Hey, stop throwing papers in my driveway."

"But you have a subscription," a young voice yelled back.

"Oh, cool, okay never mind. Bella, what did you want to tell me?"

I looked at Edward and said, "You are so lucky I'm like my father."

Charlie shook his head back and forth adamantly and Edward covered his mouth with his hand to hide his expression. Maybe I had a tiny bit of my mother in me.

"Mom, you are going to be a grandma," I announced.

"I knew you were pregnant at the wedding, you looked upset, and a mother can always tell," she announced.

"I wasn't pregnant at my wedding," I said forcefully. "Edward was a virgin on our wedding night."

Charlie jumped up and covered his ears and Edward looked mortified. At least I didn't announce he lost his virginity to a nun, now that would have been embarrassing!

"I hope you were gentle with him," she said, causing Edward turned bright red.

"No way, we broke the bed," I laughed.

"Did you know your daughter pees in the shower," Edward announced, to get the focus off of him and sex.

The line was silent and finally Renee said, "So, it just goes down the drain."

What? Did he think I came up with that all by myself? He suddenly blurted out, "We're having a girl."

That worked and got Renee focused. She screamed and sounded like she was jumping up and down on her sofa. "Oh Bella, I met this woman at rehab named Celeste, isn't that a gorgeous name?"

"Why were you at rehab?" I asked in shock.

"I'm not an addict, I just needed to meet new people," she explained.

I looked at Edward and said, "You know, you might want to have an addiction group at the church. Forks could use the help."

My father looked at us and nodded. "It would really benefit the community."

"That is a great idea; I'll talk to the area Bishop," he agreed.

We all kind of lost focus and ended up finishing the conversation with my mother without mentioning the baby any further. I handed Edward the phone and said, "Call your folks."

He set the phone down and said, "It's late in Chicago, we'll do it later."

I glanced at the coo coo clock and looked back at Edward. "Seven o'clock is late?"

"I don't want to interrupt their dinner," he said, to make his excuse sound more authentic.

I had to admit I was a bit excited to tell Elizabeth her son impregnated me. She could imagine Immaculate Conception all she wanted; I was going to tell her just how potent her son is. I was sure big E would be happy for us and I was a bit excited to give him the news.

We said goodbye to Charlie and headed home. I planned on making cupcakes to take to school and announce the news to my classes. I was covered in pink frosting when Edward came into the kitchen. I held out my finger and he took a taste.

"Does it taste good?" I asked.

"Amazing," he said, as he stared into my eyes. I think he meant the finger, not the frosting.

I dipped it into the bowl and brought it to my own mouth and wiped it slowly down my tongue. Edward smiled and pulled me into his arms. "I want a taste," he said and kissed me deeply.

I wiped some on his neck and licked it off as he let his head fall back and moaned. I was ready to frost his entire body when he picked me up off the ground and sat me on the counter. Okay, this was new. Apparently Edward becomes adventurous when frosting is involved. He stood with his pants around his ankles as I moved back onto my elbows and let him under my skirt. It was hot, and I planned on making cupcakes much more often.

We finally made it to the bed and I lay on his chest as he played with my hair. I thought about the day and tried to imagine what our daughter would look like, once she lost her alien look. I finally raised my head and asked, "Why don't you want to tell your mother?"

"I want to tell her," he said. "I just don't want her to spoil it. This is the best day of my life and I want to keep it that way."

I could get on board with that. I didn't feel like fighting with Elizabeth today either, but I would be ready to go the distance tomorrow.

"What do you think she looks like?" I asked with a big grin on my face.

"She looks like an angel," he said softly and I kissed his chest.

"A few months ago I didn't even know you, now look at where we are," I laughed.

He took my head in his hands and looked into my eyes. "You're wrong, I've known you since the beginning of time and God helped me find you."

I imagined my soul waiting for Edward to come find me, never knowing what was missing, just knowing something wasn't right. My heart leapt into my throat and I felt tears threaten, but I was smarter than he thought. I was married to someone just as good at the game as I was. He was using emotion during my hormonal time to sway my ability to make a decision.

I kissed his chin and then whispered, "You are so full of shit."

21

I remember when my mother taught me how to bake a cake. I would sit by the oven and stare through the glass as the thing took forever to bake. Being pregnant was just like that, but without the window. The church was looking more and more finished everyday and we actually booked a wedding. It was Rose and Emmett's, but at least something was going to happen in there.

I wasn't sure where Jasper and Alice were in their relationship, maybe he wanted to make sure he had taught her everything he knew before proposing.

Edward was making his way through town by knocking on doors and introducing himself. I never realized religion was so much like politics. The name game was still in full swing and I had come up with a foolproof plan. It was brilliant, unbeatable, and totally awesome. I was in a much better mood knowing I was going to win.

Things got really interesting when we finally announced the pregnancy to the Masens. I sat silently next to Edward as he spoke about the miracle of childbirth and the purpose for families in God's eyes. I think he quoted a few scriptures, but I wasn't paying too much attention.

Elizabeth finally spoke and said, "My grandmother named me, and I'll name your daughter."

Wait, was it some religious thing? Some small print I missed when I took on a minister? I heard a weird sound come out of my mouth. It was a blend of shock, anger, and incredibility. It sounded like a squirrel caught in a trap.

"I'll have to speak to Bella," Edward said, like there was a chance in hell I would let her name my baby.

"I think Grace Amanda would work," Elizabeth said, ignoring her son and the trapped squirrel.

"Lizzy, this is Bella," I interrupted, and Edward closed his eyes. Did he think that would stop him from hearing my words? "I'm going with a more modern name, something unique and original. "

Tick, tick, tick, the line was silent. I looked at Edward with wide eyes and he shook his head in dread.

"Are you still there?" I asked.

"Oh, are you speaking to me?" she answered with rage in her voice. Wow, she wouldn't even respond to the name Lizzy.

"Can I speak to Edward senior?" I asked.

"Hello dear," I heard him answer.

"Is she having a stroke?" I asked in laughter, "I think I just shocked the hell out of her, but Grace, is she kidding?"

He chuckled and said, "You're on speaker phone dear."

There was no way this was going to get any better so Edward told them we would call back later. I tried to act apologetic, and gracious of his mother's offer, but he knew me too well. But the fear of having Renee want to take a stab at naming our child scared him into remaining calm.

"I think we should just tell my mother we are considering her name along with a few others," he finally said to settle the matter.

I was fine with lying to her; it was how I survived in the world. But it did surprise me Edward would do it.

The day finally arrived for my final nail in the problem with names. I woke up in a great mood and planned a huge lunch for all of our friends. Jasper and Alice were still in Seattle but he had been offered a job next year in Port Angeles. Rose and Emmett were living in sin together in Forks, but Edward was going to fix that when the building was finished.

Edward gave everyone a tour through the church and we all were touched by the gorgeous stained glass and rich cherry woods. Just as we exited the building a large semi truck pulled up. I jumped up and down with my big belly and yelled, "Surprise Edward."

"What's this? Is the steeple cross coming early?" he asked in confusion.

"No, I ordered something for you. It is my gift to you for being such a great husband, lover, father, and Reverend."

Alice and Rose were impressed, but Edward looked a bit miffed. I just smiled because I knew this was the end of our game. The truck driver got me to sign for the delivery and then crawled up onto the flatbed to pull off the canvas.

A sign engraved with copper lettering, needing to be set in a permanent brick surrounding read, Saint Barnabas Church.

It was gorgeous and sophisticated, like a sign should be, not a baby…well, a baby should be gorgeous if it can help it any. Edward was stunned into silence and walked toward the truck bed. "Wow," he exclaimed.

"Do you like it?" I asked, since Edward would be much too modest to name his son after his church.

"I love it," he admitted. "And since you named the church I'll name the baby."

Wait, what? I didn't see that coming. I had ended the discussion on the name Barnabas; I hadn't caved about naming the baby Marie, or Grace. I didn't hate those names, like I did Barnabas, but I wanted my daughter to have a name nobody else would have. My only deal breaker was letting Elizabeth name it. I didn't want to end up with Joan of Arc Masen.

The days began to move faster when the church was finished. Rose and Emmett got married, and I had to stand with her in a flowing gown for fat women. I think she planned it that way, but since nobody was invited to the wedding it was okay.

We got to work on the nursery and I had to admit Edward had great taste in furniture. The room was frilly and light. The only thing missing was the baby and the name in blocks over the bed.

I sat during the Sunday services staring at Edward preach. He was amazing and spoke from his heart as he begged us to hearken unto the Lord. I loved it when he wore his robes and how emotional he would become at the pulpit. It got me hot. I glanced around the room to see the other women looking at him in the same manor and it weirded me out a bit.

When his sermon finally ended and he stood at the door thanking people for coming, I moved to his side proudly. He smiled and put his free arm around me. We talked to several people and Edward made plans to visit some of the sick. I made him eat before he left for most of the day.

I was lying on O.J. as I napped and a sudden pain hit me with a vengeance. I thought labor came on slowly. I gasped and held my stomach in shock. I had to admit my pregnancy had gone flawlessly. I never had morning sickness, or waddled uncomfortably. Maybe my luck had run out and my labor was going to be colossally bad.

I got my phone and called Edward. I wasn't sure exactly how to say it to keep him calm so I said, "Are you almost done?"

"I have to drive out to the reservations, why?"

"Can you come by the house first?" I pressed.

"Do you want to go with me?" he asked.

"No," I said emphatically. I had no desire to run into Jake and delve into the O.J. matter again.

"What do you need?"

"Um…I'm having a female issue," I said, sounding like I needed him to bring home a box of tampons. I didn't even know if Edward was the type of husband who would do that.

"I don't get it," he said, because he obviously wasn't female.

"Something needs to come out," I said, and the line was silent. Before he was confused into thinking I was constipated I added, "I think our daughters wants to meet us."

I heard a hiss and then the start of the car engine. "I'm coming," he said and the line went dead.

I got up and retrieved my bag from the closet and then went downstairs to wait. My lower back was killing me and I was beginning to get pretty nervous. Edward came running through the door and pulled me into his arms.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Now I am," I admitted. Just feeling his arms around me gave me comfort.

He kissed me fervently and said, "Bella, I never dreamed I could be this happy, thank you for making all my dreams come true."

"I can't imagine my life without you," I cried. "I love you so much."

There were no games in our declarations, we were two people who on paper would never work, but we found each other and became happier than we had ever been. Edward picked up my bag and we headed to the hospital.

I had to start concentrating on my breathing by the time we arrived. The pain was growing almost unbearable and I was becoming more frightened by the second. When I finally got settled into a room and Edward was dressed in a gown, I fell apart.

"I can't do this," I cried. "I want to go home." Like that was even a possibility.

Edward pulled a chair up to my bed and took hold of my hands. He leaned in until our foreheads were touching and spoke very softly. "Bella, you are so amazing. The fact you can bring forth life fills me with wonder. This is a miracle and I want you to have faith in God and in me. I would never let anything hurt you."

His voice was so certain and soothing. The sounds in the room began to disappear and we moved into a vacuum of time where only Edward and I existed. He continued to talk and I relaxed with each word. His eyes held mine at such close proximity, but I could still see him clearly. He kept me completely calm until the anesthesiologist arrived with the epidural. I felt I had witnessed what a miracle love was.

The labor was smooth and advanced quickly, but I was free of pain and basking in the glow of love for my husband. He helped me push as we both waited impatiently for our daughter to enter the world. She emerged with a full head of dark hair and a strong set of lungs. I reached out for her and brought her to my stomach as Edward cut the cord. I was so torn with how to react. I wanted to pull her to my chest and hold her tightly, but I also wanted to examine every inch of her. I cried from frustration and Edward leaned over to kiss her messy face.

She was quickly taken away and cleaned before being wrapped in a blanket and a stylish cap. I laughed when they handed her back to me. "God, she's beautiful," Edward said through his tears.

"I'm never putting her down," I swore. I moved the blanket to see her tiny hands with long fingers, just like Edward's. Her eyes opened and we both laughed in awe. She was staring at us and I smiled and said, "Hello there little angel."

"What an amazing gift from God," Edward said and ran his finger down her cheek.

"Do you have a name?" a nurse asked.

We ignored her, not wanting our daughter's first impression of us to be what jerks we were, or to hear us fighting. "May I hold her?" Edward asked.

I reluctantly handed her over and watched Edward mumble a silent prayer. He looked so proud and so filled with love that it made me cry even harder. The nurse picked up our camera and took some pictures of us as a family.

"Thank you," I told her, because I never would have had the presence of mind to do that and her kindness touched me.

"You're Reverend Masen, aren't you?" she asked Edward.

"Yes, have we met?" he asked turning his attention away from his daughter for just a moment.

"You came by our house once," she said and he nodded with a genuine smile.

"It was really nice of you to remember," I added, feeling abundantly grateful and appreciative at the moment.

I guess she felt like an intimate part of the family because she said, "You should give your daughter a religious name. The name Jane means a gift from God."

"Get out, you bitch," I said loudly.


	8. Chapter 22 and 23

22

I spent the night in the hospital and had a slew of visitors, some were even my students. Charlie arrived with so many balloons I thought he would take off with the breeze. Everyone wanted to know the same thing, "What's her name?"

A girl from registration showed up twice wanting a name for the birth certificate. Unfortunately Edward was there both times so I couldn't put Laramie Gem. Renee wanted me to send pictures and Elizabeth decided to fly out and help us. God help us!

A nurse came to teach me how to breastfeed, and told me it was a natural birth control, but not to depend on it. I wondered if it would be weird to breastfeed and ten year old. It was late and Edward was rocking her in a chair when I finally brought up the subject.

"So, she needs a name," I observed.

"I have one, but I'm afraid you won't like it," he said sadly.

"Did your mother come up with it?" I asked, because yeah, I wouldn't like it.

"No, when she was born it just came to me."

I hope he wasn't trying to use the 'open line to God' card, because that wasn't fair at all. I waited for him to say it and he held out a tortuously long time.

"I was thinking maybe…Angel Marie?"

I leaned up on my elbows and said it a few times, "Angel Marie Masen," it wasn't bad, in fact I had called her Angel already so I kind of felt responsible for the name. I smiled up at Edward and saw relief all over his face.

The name game was officially over and we both came out winners, just like the marriage game. It was now time to move on to the Grandma game, and this one was not going to be pretty.

We took our angel, Angel, home the next day and she looked so tiny in her crib. Edward and I stared at her forever. She was so beautiful, I mean Edward and I were decent, but she was breathtaking. I was resting in bed when I heard the doorbell ring. I sat up and strained to hear if it was the wicked witch of Chicago.

I heard Big E's voice and fell back onto the pillow and groaned. I was emotionally fragile with swinging hormones; Elizabeth was the last thing I needed. Edward showed them to their room as I got up to get Angel. I tried to put on a smile and ran into him in the hallway.

"You didn't need to get up," Edward said, meaning please don't fight with my mother.

"I'm afraid she'll hand my baby over to a cult," I said, and Edward gave me a stern look.

We went downstairs and waited for the Grands to come down to meet our Angel. They walked into the room with big smiles and for the first time I had hope. "Can we see your church?" Lizzy asked.

"I want to hold the baby first," Big E said. I really liked him so much more than her.

I passed my daughter into his arms and he beamed with pride. "She has your eyes son," he observed.

"I suppose she had a name," Liz said as she glanced at the baby.

"We named her Placenta," I said to mess with the woman. Edward didn't find it funny, but Big E did. He laughed loudly and L smacked his arm. I was beginning to loathe the woman.

"Her name is Angel Marie," Edward announced with pride.

"What a beautiful name," Gramps admitted and Grams nodded in approval.

At least that went well! I was certain it was all downhill from there. Edward took them to see the church and I sat in the rocker and fed Angel. When they came back I had a privacy blanket over my shoulder to keep them from seeing my breast. I thought it was conservative of me, because I didn't care if they watched my daughter eat.

L was appalled and looked away before asking me to get decent. It wasn't like I had my legs spread eagle in front of a fan, I was nursing my daughter! "I am decent," I said adamantly.

"You should consider bottle feeding your baby since Edward is a servant of God," she informed me.

My mouth was literally gaping open and I looked at my husband to see if he was in agreement. He shook his head so softly I'm sure his mother didn't see. "This is how God created women to feed their babies," I said, positive I was right on this one. "I'm sorry if you see your breast as sexual toys and not as nutritional …."

I didn't even get to finish, she gasped loudly and covered her mouth, as if she had said the nasty word sex, not me. I was done being proper and said, "Oh come on, don't tell me big E doesn't lock onto one of your tits once in awhile."

I looked back and forth between them as L staggered a bit and big E lowered his head and smiled. I decided to really rock her world by saying, "I better not hear you two jumping on the bed tonight."

Big E couldn't contain his laughter and his other half stomped out of the room in humiliation. "Way to go grandpa," I said and he nodded. Edward was totally confused and it was okay, he spoke from the pulpit about things that confused me so we were even.

The main problem of having four adults in the house with a new baby was giving everyone enough time to hold her and love her. I would pull the mommy card often and pretended like I needed to feed her just so I could hold her again.

She was such a sweet baby and cried very seldom. I wondered if she was saving up for her teen years and then all hell would break lose. We actually didn't need Lizzy's help, since Angel was such an angel. How do you tell a living martyr she can leave?

I was never into fashion as much as Alice and Rose, but I had a blast changing Angel's outfits several times a day and then taking pictures of her. Big E teased me that I was going to blind her from the camera flash, but I wanted to capture every moment.

On her baptism day I dressed her in a long flowing gown and handed her to Edward in front of the entire congregation. He held her in his arms and my lips quivered when I heard him ask me and the Godparents, Rose and Emmett, to make our covenants of baptism. He smiled at me and baptized his daughter with tears streaming down his face. I never loved him as much as I did in that moment.

We had a party after the service and Lizzy made a point of grilling Rosalie on her position as Godmother. "Do you have children?" she asked.

"No, Emmett and I only recently married," Rose said with a smile.

"But isn't he your third?" she asked and then looked Rose up and down.

"My other two husbands died," Rose admitted.

"Mother," Edward said, "Rosalie is a wonderful woman and she'll be a great Godmother to Angel."

It made me happy to hear Edward defend Rose and put his mother in her place. I had no idea why she was condemning Rose, she didn't even sleep with two of her husbands. Rose mention Angel needed a diaper change and I told her the diaper bag was on my bed. Lizzy ran up to get it for her and came downstairs with an upset look on her face.

She handed Rose the bag and pulled Edward to the side of the room. "What is that horrid thing in your room?"

Hey, I don't care how rich she was, I wasn't horrid. "It is Bella's sofa," Edward replied, letting me know she wasn't talking about me. But it was just as bad for her to be talking about O.J.

"It isn't just a sofa," I said loudly. "O.J. is a work of art and I don't care how much you beg you can't buy him."

Lizzy's eyes grew wide and she looked at big E. "It is a filthy, offensive thing most likely covered in germs."

It wasn't true. I had O.J. cleaned on several occasions, once even professionally. It looked germy, but it wasn't. I stood and put my hands on my hips. "You don't mind sleeping on a mattress we got out of the city dump," I lied.

I knew by simply saying that she was imagining things crawling all over her body. Edward quickly spoke up. "The bed is brand new and Bella has an emotional attachment to the sofa. It is important to her."

I waited until Edward left the room to throw out the dirty diaper before saying to Elizabeth. "I've had mind blowing orgasms on it, so I want to keep it forever."

"Surely before you met my son," she said, to unintentionally cut down her son's virility.

I began to laugh and heard Edward coming back so I said quickly. "He paid me for sex on the island and that is how we fell in love."

I took Angel from Rose's arms and left the room before Edward got there. I took my daughter to my room and fed her as I lounged on O.J. It was perfect until Edward came into the room and shook his head at me. "My parents are planning to leave tomorrow; do you have any idea why?"

"None at all," I lied, with my daughter listening.

"You don't think telling my mother her Pastor son was paying a prostitute could have anything to do with it?"

"Well, I'm sure you repented honey," I said, and flashed my great feeding apparatuses at him.

"What am I going to do with you and my mother?" he said as a rhetorical question.

Hopefully he planned to do totally different things with us, or germy O.J. was the least of his problems.

After two weeks of hell the Masens left. Angel was already so much bigger that grandma actually cried at the thought of missing out on how much she was going to change. Hmm…who knew she actually had a heart?

I was making dinner one night and had Angel in her carrier on the counter when Edward came in. He walked over to both of his girls and gave us a kiss. He got Angel out and held her as he watched me cook. I glanced at him and felt such overwhelming peace in my life. I smiled and said, "Guess what?"

"What?" he asked with his own smile.

"I think I want another baby right away," I admitted. We hadn't even done the horizontal hump and I was already planning another baby. It surprised Edward and he his smile fell. "I thought you wanted kids by the dozen?"

"I just feel so overwhelmed by Angel that I want to give her all the attention she deserves. I think we should wait several years," he said and I dropped the knife I was using. This was a whole new attitude and I had no idea where it was coming from. Did he really not want to have sex with me for years?

I looked down at my still shrinking stomach and thought I was disgusting to him. Maybe seeing childbirth turned him off so much he could never get it up again. I tried to remain calm, but when I felt my milk begin to flow I began to cry.

Edward rushed over and used one arm to hug me. "I'm gross," I cried.

"Gross? No, Bella, you're beautiful," he said to console me.

"You want to go years without having sex," I said as I gasped for air.

"I didn't say that, I just think we should use condoms," he offered.

"Do you think our baby is ugly?" I asked, because I had no idea why he didn't want more.

"She is the most beautiful baby in the world," he said with pride and moved to put her back into her carrier so he could deal with my meltdown. I felt silly for bringing up the subject of another baby and also like my world would end if I didn't have one.

Edward walked me from the room and up the stairs to get into bed, but not to work on another baby. He finished making dinner and brought it to me in bed. I was so lucky to have such a great guy, Jake would never let me talk crazy and then reward me for it.

23.

When Angel was three months old Rosalie announced her own pregnancy and Alice announced her engagement. It was funny how much the retreat had changed our lives in just one year. Edward and I had made one trip; we took Angel to meet Grandma Renee. She spoke baby talk the entire weekend and I was never so happy to leave somewhere in my life.

Angel's hair remained dark and her eyes were grey like Edward's. People would stop me in the grocery store to tell me how beautiful she was, almost like they were surprised. It hurt my ego a bit. She was the light of our life and we spent every day enjoying watching her grow.

When she was six months old I got the flu. I woke up and climbed into the shower, but before I could pee I vomited all over. I learned an important thing that morning; vomit does not just go down the drain. I had to clean out the shower before Edward would get in and I was not happy about it since I was so sick.

Edward had a busy day planned and I needed someone to watch Angel and take care of me, so I called Rose. She was wearing maternity clothes, but actually just looked like she had a full meal not like she was carrying a baby.

She also refused to come into my room, terrified she would get sick. Rosalie had one fear in life, vomiting. When she first got pregnant she would call me everyday crying because she was so nauseous and afraid to throw up.

When she put Angel down for a nap she looked in on me. "Do you need anything?" she asked.

"I'm bored, sit down and talk to me," I begged.

She actually sat in the doorway and I glared at her. "I don't want to get sick. I may never have another baby just because of morning sickness."

"I never had it," I told her, feeling superior and certain Angel would be better than her baby.

"You're so lucky. The only positive thing about pregnancy is not having a period. I don't miss that," she said.

"If you breast feed you don't have a period either," I informed her.

"Really? Then how do you know if you get pregnant again?"

I sat up in shock and realized I was feeling so much better, hungry even. Rose began to laugh and fell to the side as she pulled her phone out of her pocket and called Alice. I was trying to remember every single time Edward and I had sex without a condom. We were pretty good, but not perfect. I assumed the breastfeeding would make up the difference.

"Alice, guess who's pregnant?" Rose said into the phone.

"No," I yelled, terrified Jasper would tell Edward before I could. "Don't Rose."

"Um…let me call you back," she said and hung up. "Why can't I tell Alice?"

"Because I don't know if I am and the last thing I need is Edward finding out."

"I thought he wanted a dozen kids?" she chuckled.

"He told me he wanted to have just Angel for awhile. He even agreed to use condoms…sometimes."

"Sometimes? Well, tell him you're kind of pregnant because he sometimes used a condom."

I had no idea why I was still sitting in the bed. I wasn't sick so I jumped up and got dressed. I couldn't drive past the church or Edward would see me. I couldn't send Rose or he would think Angel was alone as I lay sick in bed. I looked at Rose and said, "Call Alice and tell her to bring a test with her."

I waited for over an hour for Alice to show up. I grabbed the test and ran into my bathroom to pee on the stick. I set it on my vanity and went back into the bedroom to wait. I couldn't look so I had Alice do it for me. She came out with a big smile and said, 'Congratulations."

"Oh God," I cried, and then literally began to cry. I felt like I had betrayed Edward and I had no idea how to tell him. I also knew the name game would come up again and since I was sick it was most likely a boy this time.

I was in a full blown panic attack when Angel woke up from her nap. I went into her room, missing her all morning, and got her out of her crib. I took a deep smell of my baby and smiled widely. "Do you want a brother?" I asked her. She reached up with her little hand and grabbed hold of my nose. "I'll take that as a yes," I laughed.

Edward got home while I was bathing Angel and stood in the doorway to watch me. Angel laughed and waved at him as he beamed with pride. "You are so beautiful my Angel," he told her.

"Imagine a tub full of kids," I said slyly.

"I'm not greedy," he said, "I feel lucky with her."

It wasn't fair to me that he swung back and forth between his values. If a Minister doesn't believe in birth control and wants a full house, he should stick to it.

"There's food in the oven warming," I told him.

"I'll get it later," he said and came over to the tub to help me dry off Angel. He carried her to her room and talked to her while I dressed her in pajamas. I went to nurse her on O.J. while he made a plate of food. He brought it into the bedroom to eat and smiled at me.

"Imagine having a little boy running around here," I said out of the blue.

"There will be, someday," he said.

If he only knew that day was a lot closer than he thought. I finished feeling Angel and put her down for the night. I came back to the room and Edward finally realized I was no longer sick.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked.

"Yeah, I think it is something bigger than the flu," I hinted.

"Maybe you need an antibiotic," he said stupidly.

"I'm pretty sure I'll need a hospital for this," I mumbled.

Edward's fork froze in mid air and he looked at me as if he was going to cry. "What's wrong?" he asked, thinking I had cancer or something.

It was sweet and I wondered if he would let me move O.J. into the living room if I went along with his assumption. I could say I had a tumor in my stomach that was growing quickly, sucking the life from me until and miracle cure could be found…but how would I explain the little boy sleeping in a crib next to Angel?

"It's not my fault," I blurted out loudly.

He looked so confused and totally lost as he shook his head back and forth. His fork was still in mid-air so I walked over and pushed it down. "You lied to me," I said forcefully. "You told me I would be having a lot of babies, and then when I do you decide to be all conscientious about the planet."

"What are you talking about?" he asked. "I have never lied to you."

"Then why don't you want a baby?"

"It isn't that I don't want a baby, I just thought we would enjoy Angel as much as possible. I absolutely want more children," he said.

"Good, because you're getting more," I announced.

He stared at me as the puzzle pieces began to fall into place, and I had to admit he was sure taking a long time to get it.

"Are you pregnant?" he asked softly.

"Will you be mad if I am?" I asked.

"Mad?" he laughed. "Why in the world would I be mad?"

He pushed me over the edge with his question. I was doing back flips to keep up with his mind changing. Did he want a child or not? If I knew his decisions changed so easily I would have put forth much more effort on the island to seduce him. Like there was more I could do beyond giving him a front row gawk at my squawk.

"I took a pregnancy test and it was positive," I said softy with my head down.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

I was ready to lay into him and tell him I wasn't stupid, but then I realized I let Alice read the stick, so I ran into the bathroom to check. I brought it out to show him the proof he wanted. He held it in his hand and then looked up at me.

"It's positive," he said, so I guess now it was true.

I nodded and he picked me up off the floor and spun me around as he hollered loudly. "This is the greatest news in the world," he yelled.

It was good, but come on, the greatest news in the world? I think not.

"I'm no longer set on Barnabas," he said to my relief, "but I like Wilber."

Oh God, here we go again!

That was many years ago, and now we were sitting down to dinner with our family. We had four girls, and I was pregnant with our fifth. Angel was seven, Rachel was six, Gracie was four and Laramie was two. If Edward wanted to name this daughter Barnabas or Wilber, I didn't care.

"Rachel, will you say grace," Edward instructed.

Rachel turned to look at her sister and said, "Hi Grace."

Yeah, Rachel was just like me. She was our problem child and exasperated Edward often. Each one of the girls had such unique personalities. Angel was our overachiever, Rachel our tomboy, Gracie our flighty child and Laramie was our artist.

"I'll say it daddy," Angel said, because well, she's an angel.

"I heard some good news today," Edward announced. "Grandma and Grandpa Masen are coming to visit."

"Maybe you should have told us the good news you heard today first," I said, and Rachel laughed.

"I want you girls to keep your rooms clean and be respectful while they're here," he said and looked directly at Rachel.

"Yeah Laramie," she said, "No pooping your pants."

"I not poop my pants," Laramie said with her bottom lip sticking out.

"Daddy, can I have a monkey?" Gracie asked.

"No dear," he said, without explaining why not.

"Monkey's are dangerous honey," I explained. "They bite."

"Gracie used to bite and we kept her," Rachel said.

"She didn't know any better," Angel said to defend her sister.

"I love each one of you way more than a monkey," Edward said as he ate.

I looked across the table and my wonderful husband. The man I happily had five babies with. The man who turned my heathen life into a religious one, without ever condemning me or pushing me. He caught me looking at him and smiled.

"You look beautiful Bella," he said and all the girls turned to look at me. "Just like the day I met you."

"Where did you meet mommy?" Angel asked him.

"In Paradise," he answered and I shook my head in disagreement.

"No, I met daddy on an island. He married me and brought me to paradise," I corrected.

It wasn't a lie, it was the truth. I thought I had everything in life I needed or wanted. I had two great friends, my education, my own place to live, and a job… of course, O.J. too.

But Edward came into my life and made it so much better. He gave me purpose, and love, and everything wonderful that I cherished. I could only hope our girls find love similar to ours. I got out of my chair and walked over to kiss him as the girls screamed and giggled.

"I love you," Edward whispered and touched my growing stomach, something familiar to him. I was lucky he wasn't like Henry the eighth and had me beheaded for having all girls.

Deep down I felt that God wasn't happy with Edward's name choices either and we were blessed with girls to keep the world free of a Barnabas and a Wilber…but I could be wrong.

Maybe we were part of a bigger game and we would keep having girls until we caved? But Edward and I weren't quitters and we played the game better than anyone around, so if it took ten girls to have a boy, it was game on!

The End.


End file.
